Questions Families Ask

Announcer: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, “Episode 40: Questions Families Ask.”

Casey Arrillaga: How has addiction affected your family?

Female Speaker: It robbed me of my father.

Female Speaker: Addiction's affected my family in absolutely every way.

Male Speaker: It has caused a lot of turmoil.

Female Speaker: It goes back to what I understand is at least three generations.

Female Speaker: It robbed my daughter of her mother. It robbed my mother of her daughter.

Female Speaker: Addiction has made our family quite challenging.

Male Speaker: Addiction has affected my family tremendously.

Male Speaker: It's affected my relationship with my sister where I wouldn't – I'd go for months without talking to her. It's a very difficult thing for everybody involved. It doesn't just affect the one individual. It's a disease that affects the whole family.

Male Speaker: Addiction is spread not only genetically through some of my relatives and I assume ancestors.

Female Speaker: It's generational.

Female Speaker: I think of him every day.

Casey Arrillaga: Welcome to Addiction and the Family. My name is Casey Arrillaga, and I'm a clinical social worker and addiction counselor at both Windmill Wellness Ranch and InMindOut Emotional Wellness Center in Texas, and I’m the author of the books Realistic Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions and Spirituality for People who Hate Spirituality.

Kira Arrillaga: I’m Kira Arrillaga, addiction counselor intern and recovery coach at Windmill. Casey and I were in our addictions together for over ten years and have now been in recovery together for almost twice that long.

Casey Arrillaga: I've led hundreds of family workshops, but just as important is that Kira and I have lived the experience of being family to addiction as both children and adults.

Kira Arrillaga: Join us as we offer experience, strength, and realistic hope about how you and your family can find recovery together.

Casey Arrillaga: In this episode, we’re going to look at some of the questions family members often ask about life in addiction, during treatment, and immediately after in early recovery, and we’re going to get answers, but not just any answers. We’re going to talk to people who are in recovery themselves about their experience with these questions and get some of the answers that family members can’t seem to get from their loved one, or if they do get answers, they want to get some outside corroboration. We have that for you today with our guest panel featuring our very own Kira. We also have Bryan and Tamara, long time guests on Addiction and the Family. We’re happy to have them back to answer some of those questions. All of this and more after a break to hear from one of our sponsors. [Commercial] Welcome back. Without any further ado, let’s start jumping into the questions. As promised, we’re going to start out with some questions about what life is like in active addiction, so the first question out to our panel is in active addiction, what makes you do the things you do?

Bryan: Hey, my name is Bryan. What makes me do the things I do in active addiction is the drugs or alcohol that I’m on. I often tell people that addicts and alcoholics usually aren’t as dangerous when they’re getting loaded. At least for me, when I was sober and trying to get more drugs, some of the things I would do is crime or lying or being dishonest, usually revolved around me wanting to get more drugs and manipulating people into thinking that I wasn’t high.

Tamara: Hi, this is Tamara. What drove me in active addiction was a lot similar to what drives me now. I was always just trying to live my best life and love and have a good job. There was just a lot more alcohol involved. It just usually didn’t work out very well for me.

Kira Arrillaga: Hi, this is Kira. The reason I did the things I did in my addiction really came down to a deep sense of discomfort. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I was usually very depressed or anxious and I wanted to get out of my own head. I just wanted to feel better, and there was always this sense of I want, I want, I want.

Casey Arrillaga: Okay. The next question we hear from a lot of family members when someone is in active addiction is why can’t you stop?

Bryan: That’s a question that I hear from a lot of people who don’t suffer from addiction, and it’s funny, man. I talk to some people and they’re like – family members will say, hey, why don’t you just stop? My joke is you know what? That’s a great idea. I’ve never thought about just stopping before. It’s destroying my life. You know what? I’m going to try that. I’m being a little bit sarcastic, but the answer to that is I can’t stop. If I could, I would’ve stopped a long time ago or tried to moderate it, but just the nature of drugs and alcohol and the actual by definition addiction is that no matter the consequence or the pain, I am not able to moderate or stop usage. If I do by some miracle stop for a prolonged amount of time, I’ll usually pick up again maybe within the next month or two weeks or whatever it is.

Tamara: This is Tamara again. Anytime I drank my personal consideration was I’ll try not to black out this time, and so why don’t you stop is – I never had an answer for that. I couldn’t. I really always thought that I would be able to gain a level of control.

Kira Arrillaga: I didn’t want to stop for the longest time. I didn’t want to stop until I really knew that I was an addict and then I felt like I had to stop or I was going to die, but back when I was using, I felt like I was going to die if I did stop because I couldn’t face how miserable I was when I wasn’t using.

Casey Arrillaga: This is Casey. I’m going to chime on this one just a little bit because subjectively I agree with everything that’s been said, but from a more objective level, I’d want family members to know that we also are getting increasingly sophisticated understandings of what is going on genetically and environmentally that helps influence someone to get to this point where they feel like they just can’t stop, and sometimes there are physiological and genetic factors that leave somebody almost for an entire lifetime up until using feeling like they’re not satisfied, like they’re not okay, like they don’t feel fully connected. Then when they use, they feel like they’ve found a solution for the first time, and once the brain grabs onto that first association, it’s really difficult to let it go, so sometimes that really contributes to the idea that I can’t just stop. Statistically, very few people just stop on their own. The vast majority, at least two out of every three people that struggle with addiction at any point in their life find that they need outside help in order to be able to successfully stop. The next one is pretty much a follow-up but one that is in a lot of family members’ hearts. What can I do to get you to stop?

Tamara: There is absolutely nothing anybody else can do to get me to stop. I saw the ridiculous things I was doing when I was drinking and yet I still picked up again. I don’t even know where to begin or end with the ridiculous things. I would pee my pants, and then I would still pick up a drink. There’s nothing somebody on the outside can do. Support is wonderful, but in certain scenarios, there comes a time when the family’s going to have to step back in order for you to see the destruction that you’re causing.

Bryan: Yeah, I’d like to piggyback off that, Tamara. Family stepping back for me was a key. To any family member out there who is struggling trying to figure out what to do for their loved one, I would say support them with love. Try not to support them with money unless you’re supporting them going to treatment or detox or a meeting or something like that. I’ve seen family members a lot of times actually fund the addiction, worried about them not being homeless so they pay for apartments or worried about them not having transportation and getting to a job, so they pay for cars or send them money. I would say cut off all funding. That’s what you could do to help your family members. There’s nothing that a family member or anyone can do that’s going to make me stop.

Kira Arrillaga: Yeah, I’m with Bryan and Tamara on that. There is nothing anyone could’ve done to make me stop. First of all, nobody knew, I don’t think, or for the most part, nobody knew, but even if they had, they didn’t have the tools to help me. I love support. Obviously, the whole reason behind this podcast is so that family members can be supported and know when they’re enabling and when they’re helping, but we know we can’t control somebody else’s use. Nobody else can control my use either.

Casey Arrillaga: Right on, everyone. I’ll just throw in the old Al-Anon saying. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it. Sometimes just that little bit which they call the three Cs can be a lifesaver for family members to remember. Alright. This next one is one that gets to a lot of family members when someone is in active addiction, which is why can’t you be honest with me.

Tamara: Man, Casey. These are hard questions for me. I don’t think I really ever felt like I lied a whole lot, and the people I was around didn’t really take it that way either. When I got sober, I did find that there was a level of manipulation that I used with myself and others that I didn’t even know about, so why do I lie, I don’t know. I didn’t even know I was doing it.

Bryan: I’ll have to agree with Tamara. A lot of times I just didn’t even know the level of manipulation or lying that I was involved in. It had become such a base part of my life. Once I got sober, I started to really take a look at it. I became more aware of what I was doing and catching myself in lies. That’s one thing about recovery that really helped me a lot was the fact that I was able to stop, be aware, when I was accountable to God and myself. The one thing I will say about the lying piece is lying to family members was a direct result of my fear. I wanted them to look highly at me. I didn’t want to disappoint my mother. I didn’t want to disappoint people around me. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. I have a bunch of stories about when my mom busted me getting high, man, and I still lied to her. The whole thing was, man, I just wanted my mom not to hurt.

Kira Arrillaga: I lied very simply because I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing. It was embarrassing what I was doing. A lot of people knew parts of what I was doing, but nobody knew all of what I was doing.

Casey Arrillaga: Absolutely. 100%. All of that applied in my active addiction as well, and one thing that I reflect on is just if I told the truth, then maybe I’d have to stop, and I really wasn’t ready to stop, so the truth was not going to come out. Based on all that, one big thing that I would say for family members is if your loved one is being dishonest with you, don’t take it personally. It’s really not about you. It’s not a measure of love for you or respect for you or anything like that. It’s just a measure of how desperate people are to hold onto their addiction as long as they still think that it’s their best bet for survival. Then the last question today in the active addiction section is one that is maybe deeper in a lot of family members’ hearts is did I do something wrong to make you this way.

Bryan: Absolutely not. At least in my experience, absolutely not. My family, they only wanted to support me and show me the best way to go about life. There’s nothing that from a home standpoint in my experience that they did to make me go that way. Everything I learned about addiction, I learned from school, the streets, just life in general, so I chose that path. The best thing that my family could’ve done for me is to be there when I was ready to turn around, and there’s some hope I want to give to all the families out there that are listening to this podcast right now and that is that all the teaching, all the lessons, everything that my family instilled in me, it all came flooding back once I got sober.

Tamara: My story’s a lot different than Bryan’s. Everybody in my family drank pretty similar to how I drank. Nobody was asking me if they did anything that we were all doing what was normal. Honestly, it was more so when I got sober, especially my brother, my biggest drinking buddy, he wanted me to keep drinking with him. I had to ask him to stop peer pressuring me because I wanted to drink with him, and so it was really after I quit that I had to change the dynamic between me and my family a little bit.

Kira Arrillaga: We all know that addiction is part nature and part nurture, and so some of it was genetics, and some of it was how I was raised. I could do a really thorough job right now of throwing my parents under the bus, and I’ve certainly done that in conversation before, but the fact is they did the best they could. I don’t know what they could’ve done differently because they were who they were. A different set of parents might’ve raised me very differently, and I might have still become an addict. I will never know.

Casey Arrillaga: Alright. Next, we’re going to move into questions that we often hear family members ask when someone is in treatment. The first question is how can I help.

Bryan: Just answer the phone, support, man, pay for sober living. Don’t pay for their own apartment. Family members can help by showing up at the family workshop, going to Al-Anon, educating themselves on addiction or alcoholism in the first place. It’s really ignorant for a family member to want their loved one to get sober saying to themselves or to family members it’s your problem. It’s not mine. You have to get fixed. I’m fine. I think family members if they really care they’ll do some research, do as much learning about the disease of addiction and also go to Al-Anon and find some support groups so they can find views similar to theirs who are people who’ve gone through this same situation.

Tamara: Amen. Al-Anon I would definitely recommend for any family member, and I’ve found that that’s hard for a lot of family members to take and to understand because they’re technically not the ones with the problem, but even just going to a couple of Al-Anon meetings and just hearing a little bit of guidance from people that have gone through what you’re going through can help you set healthy boundaries that a lot of family members just don’t know how to do.

Kira Arrillaga: I’ve never been to treatment myself, but I do work there, and one of the things that I find is family members are often so frustrated that it’s been all about the person with the addiction for so long that they need a break, and so they don’t always want to come to family workshop or any other family programming. They may feel like they don’t want to go to any of the family groups, Al-Anon, CODA, Families Anonymous, Smart Family and Friends because they aren’t the ones with the big problem, the big, obvious problem, but I would say to them they could use some self-care. Yes, they need a break from the person with the addiction, but they’ve also been engaging with someone with an addiction, and it’s not been a healthy relationship for a long time, and I think we all suffer when we’re in dysfunctional relationships. I would say going to one of those groups, hitting some meetings, trying different meetings, maybe getting some counseling, it’s good for you. It’s self-care. Do it for yourself.

Casey Arrillaga: The next question which comes in various forms is if I’m honest with you, is it going to mess up your treatment. This could be anything from should I tell you bad news that’s going on outside of treatment or should I tell you how I really feel. There’s all kinds of ways in which family members are nervous about being honest.

Tamara: Man, I’ll go ahead and jump in first on this one. What’s really important is that the person in recovery is surrounded with other people who have experience dealing with what they’re dealing with and it’s really important for you to communicate not only with your loved one but also with the people around them. Talk to the [17:43], talk to the people in Al-Anon and find out. Get an opinion from somewhere else because a lot of times our instinct to be honest or to keep things either way can be completely skewed and getting an outside opinion can really offer the guidance to do the right thing.

Bryan: Well said, Tamara. People inside of the treatment bubble or sphere, man, they’re going through a lot. I would get in touch with their treatment team, their counselor and see exactly where they’re at because remember, they’re actually healing right now. You can always find an Al-Anon meeting to bounce these things off of people and find out what has worked for them.

Kira Arrillaga: I find that sometimes when we think we’re being honest, sometimes we’re being manipulative or laying a guilt trip, so if my kid is in treatment and I feel like telling them look, you’ve ruined my relationship with your father, we’re getting a divorce because of you and I think that’s honest, it would definitely be a good idea for me to bounce that off of someone else that will call me out on it and say you know what, that’s not helpful.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m going to offer a little bit of perspective as a counselor who works with a lot of people in treatment and their families, and that’s to say as Bryan and Tamara were talking about, check with the treatment team. Make sure it’s a good time, but I’m a big fan of telling people the truth while they’re in treatment. A lot of times when people are in treatment, they’re actually afraid that they’re being left out of the loop. They’re not being told things that they need to know, so don’t really hold that stuff back because they have a chance to actually process it and talk through it with their group and with the counselor, stuff like that, but we do want to make sure that the timing’s good, so check with the treatment team. Make sure it’s a good time, and then to echo what Kira is saying, make sure it’s being said in a loving and compassionate way and probably with good motives. I believe any truth can be said with love and compassion, and that’s important. Then the next question we often get is why aren’t you calling me more from the treatment center.

Bryan: My answer to that is they’re actually forming a new family over there. I tell people that are in treatment I work with that you have your blood family, you might have a sports family, but you also have your recovery family, and so giving people time to form these new bonds, to find out things about themselves that they wouldn’t ordinarily find within the family sphere is very, very healthy for the addict. They might be bouncing things off of other addicts that they’re now starting to see things about themselves. If they’re not calling you, don’t be afraid. Don’t worry about it too much. Maybe just drop them a letter or a note or talk to the treatment team and just tell them that you’re thinking about them. Tell them that you love them and you support them and you’ll be waiting for them when they’re ready.

Kira Arrillaga: I know this one. I know this one. I’m not calling you from treatment because it’s not about you. It’s about me. Also, I may not have a lot of phone time. Also, they’re keeping me busy eight to ten hours a day with really hard work. I may not have the energy. Sometimes I just need a break. I just need to stay away from anything that triggers me, and sometimes my family members, as much as I love them, they might trigger me.

Casey Arrillaga: Okay, next question. While you’re in there, should I be cleaning out your house or apartment?

Bryan: That’s a really good question. I’m an advocate of that whole mantra of a new whole life, clean out the phone, clean out the apartment, clean out the relationships. Let’s start with a fresh slate, but you definitely don’t want to overstep boundaries to where they don’t even know that you’ve cleaned out their apartment and you’ve done so. Again, I would advice that you get with their treatment team, get with their counselor, maybe get their case manager, recovery coach, and possibly schedule a time when they could take a visit out there to clean it out with you because they can figure out what they want to get rid of and what they want to keep. One particular instance, a young person that I know at the treatment center, she actually got on a Facetime with her mother and the mother just pointed, hey, get rid of this, let’s do it together but you’re not here [22:04] and I think the young person said, yeah, anything else you can get rid of, but that way they have some stake in the game.

Tamara: On this one, I actually have a little experience on the outside. I had helped this girl get into treatment. I had a really good friend of mine come with me to help clear out her apartment, because right before she went into treatment, she was not going to come back to that apartment. Her lease was almost done. My best thinking was we’ll just take all her stuff and put it in storage. It’ll be ready when she comes out. Like Bryan said, a clean slate, and I was like – I tried to get rid of some of her stuff. My friend Stephanie was just like, no, this is her stuff. I really thought she’ll come out and everything will be brand new, but I had to have somebody show me how to respect the person’s belongings. Then as it turned out, she lasted two days in treatment. She came back out. If we would’ve gotten rid of all her stuff, she would’ve been pretty upset.

Kira Arrillaga: My answer is four words long, ready? Only if I ask. That’s all.

Casey Arrillaga: All right. Then last question for while somebody is still in treatment: how long until you can just have one drink?

Bryan: I’ll take that one: never. Here’s the question, man. Are you willing to risk whatever fee that you pay to get them into treatment, whatever time lost because you can’t get that back, is drinking with them worth it? If you know me, you know Bryan, you know Bryan has had this type of trouble, whether it be legal trouble, health trouble, familial trouble, if you know that drugs and alcohol have affected me in this way, if you love me, why would you even gamble with the prospect of hurting me like that? I tell people in the inside, hold a strong boundary. Tell them that you cannot take the first drink. The first drink is the one that sets it off. There’s no difference between the first drink and the 55th one in the mind of an addict. I would definitely advice that you don’t initiate that, because at the end of the day, if they do end up relapsing and things go bad, you don’t want to be the one they point to and be like, hey, you’re the one who gave me that first drink in the first place.

Tamara: My answer was exactly the same: never. There’s never going to come a point where I can control my drinking. This goes back to the very first question we had. When I was in my active addiction, I wanted to control my drinking. I wanted to stop blacking out, but there was never a point where I could do that. If you’re not an addict and don’t have a grasp or an understanding of this, then it’s best, like Bryan said, to just leave it in their hands. If they have people in their corner telling them not to pick up another drink, piggyback off of that and give them that support. No, you don’t have to pick up another drink.

Casey Arrillaga: Yeah, I’m going to jump on this one just a little bit. I found that there are only two types of people who actually are concerned with whether I drink or not. One of them are people who are worried for me and want to make sure that I don’t or hope that I don’t. The other ones are people that may have a problem themselves who wish that I would drink with them. Those are the only type of two people, and out of those, only the second type would actually offer me a drink.

Kira Arrillaga: In the SMART Recovery handbook, there’s a question about the difference between abstinence and moderation. I really love what they say in that handbook, which is abstinence is easier than moderation. You’re not taking any risks and it’s actually easier. To me, it’s a no-brainer. Why would you pick up? There’s no logical reason to pick up. The only reason you’re going to have another drink is because part of you has already relapsed in your head.

Casey Arrillaga: Okay, and that is our series of questions for while someone is in treatment. Let’s take a short break and hear from one of our sponsors. When we come back, we’ll deal with some of the questions that people have for when their loved one is now out of treatment and in early recovery. [Commercial] Welcome back. All right. For this last set of questions for our panelists, we ask questions that family members often have when somebody is out of treatment and in early recovery, which can be up to about the first year or so. Okay, so the first big question that we get is: do I need to stop drinking?

Kira Arrillaga: First of all, I think it depends mainly on who they are to you. Is this your 18-year-old child that has to live with you for financial reasons? Is this your spouse? Is this your girlfriend? Is this your parent? Are you living separately? Are you living together? Most people, when they first quit drinking are more comfortable if you’re not drinking around them, but I would advice against hiding your drinking. If you’re still drinking, like when you go out, if you’re not keeping it in the house, that’s wonderful. That’s very supportive if they live with you, but I wouldn’t lie about whether you drink or not.

Tamara: You know what? For me, when I was done drinking, it didn’t really matter who drank around me, but I was also, I guess, cautious about my surroundings. I wasn’t going to parties. My mom drank at home. My brother, whenever he would come over, he would drink, but I was done. I didn’t want what they had. I wasn’t thirsty. I was in a lot of fear when I first quit drinking for a couple of years. It really didn’t bother me that they drank in front of me, but there’s different situations where it can be a bother. I know there was a point where my mom and I stayed together in a small apartment and she did drink every night. I went to a lot of meetings because I wasn’t comfortable in that situation. I went to a place where I did feel safe and comfortable. I guess it’s situational.

Bryan: Definitely, man. The situation and the context is a huge factor. The other day, me and wifey were out with my parents for my mom’s birthday. We were the first ones to arrive at the restaurant. The lady asked, hey, do y’all want champagne. I was like, yes, as a matter of fact. It’s her birthday. Yes, we do. She came in with the champagne list and I picked one. These days, it’s not a big deal. I go out with them. They drink. It’s nothing to me. Now, that’s in contrast to when I first got out of treatment in early sobriety, sober living for me was critical. I would advice sober living for any family member. I don’t care what city you’re in or where you’re at. Now, if they come home and you’re just drinking around them like they never left, I would question your commitment to their sobriety. That’s just my thoughts on it.

Casey Arrillaga: I’ll throw in my two cents that really nobody needs to change anything about their behavior for me to stay sober, but I might have to change mine. That might look like a decision on my part that if everyone is drinking around me, maybe I’m just not going to be there. It’s not that family members need to stop drinking. I just may not see them as often. As a family member, you get to make your own choice and let your loved one do the same. All right. Next up, we hear: do you need me to change so that you can be okay?

Tamara: No, but maybe yes. Again, it’s situational. If we were drinking together, then we are going to have to change some aspects of our relationship. If we’re tight and you want to be a healthy part of my life now that I’m sober, then there’s some boundaries that we’re going to have to find together. Open communication is really important. It depends on where I am in my recovery and what our life looks like together.

Bryan: I would add that, man, it all depends on do you look at this addiction or alcoholism, do you look at it like it’s a disease? Suppose your family member was struggling with diabetes or high blood pressure or hypertension. You don’t have to change, but I would say not eating burgers and fried chicken and high blood pressure or high content food like that around them all the time, I mean, you don’t have to change, but it would be helpful for their recovery if you just maybe were respectful and considerate of what they’re going through.

Kira Arrillaga: I’m going to say this officially. My name is Kira and I’m an addict. My recovery does not depend on anything you say or do. If you’re supportive to me, that’s wonderful and helpful, but I can be okay no matter what you’re doing. I’ve worked very hard to get to that point, but the bottom line is you don’t have to change for me to be okay.

Casey Arrillaga: Next up is a little bit related. Do you need me to get all the alcohol out of the house? Do we need to be in an alcohol-free zone over here, even if drinking wasn’t your big thing?

Bryan: Here’s the question I would pose to the family. Are you able to live with alcohol in the house? You don’t have to. Of course, you don’t, but just live with the consequences if they run into your liquor cabinet and start drinking and then they’re doing in a bad situation. Now, like I said, it’s all about context. These days, I’ll go to my mom’s house, I might spend weekend with them. They’ve got drinks everywhere all over the house. My brother-in-law, he came to visit us one time. He went and bought some beer, put it in our refrigerator [33:01] I’ve had beer in my refrigerator. It’s not a big deal, but at the same time, I’m at a point in my recovery where I can withstand that. If I would’ve been the same guy coming out just moving into my parents’ house, or my brother-in-law just coming over with a six-pack of beer just hanging out all the time, I’m not sure that my sobriety could’ve stood that.

Tamara: Coming out of treatment, are you expecting the same exact person to come home that was drinking around you? If you want a different result, if you’re looking for this person to change and grow, then it’s important for you to just be respectful of how you are living around them when they come out of treatment.

Kira Arrillaga: Statistically, people tend to remain sober longer if they go from treatment into sober living before they go back to whatever their old living situation is. Sober living is, of course, an alcohol-free zone. It’s really helpful.

Casey Arrillaga: All right. Then coming up out of that question: should I tell everyone else in the family that we can’t drink around you?

Bryan: Absolutely not. I don’t want to be made to feel any different or special or just treating me like I’m an alien or something. I don’t want people to look at me like that. Be considerate, but at the same time, don’t treat me with kid gloves.

Tamara: No, it’s a funny question, but it’s real. The answer is no. Really, just communicate is really important. Ask them what they’re comfortable with. There’s a lot of social situations that will come up after treatment or just in early recovery that are really difficult to be around. If your loved one is not comfortable at, say, a Christmas party with family, maybe cut the visit short. Just be real conscientious of they’re having to learn a whole new way of life so be aware of that and be respectful of that.

Kira Arrillaga: I find that usually when a family member asks that question, they’re in the drama and being very codependent and maybe they’re even making it about them. Most people coming out of treatment are not ten years old. Most of us are grown up or close enough to it that we can make decisions about who we hang out with. I don’t have to go to the Christmas party at all. I can go do something else while mom and dad go to the Christmas party. You guys don’t have to cut it short. I can handle it.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m going to say that no matter how well intentioned, there’s a fundamental mistake and assumption underneath a lot of these questions. That’s the assumption that the family has to get it just right, and on top of it, may have to get everyone else to get it just right in order for the person in recovery to actually recover. Here’s the thing. There’s no magic chicken dance of sobriety. There’s no magic set of moves where if you get it right, if you get everyone else to get it right, then the person with the addiction will recover. They’re going to recover because they decide to recover, not because you decide that they’re going to recover. It’s not about getting everyone to stop drinking, getting yourself to stop drinking, anything like that. You can’t make someone else do this. You can’t control their disease. Instead of that, if you really want to be helpful, work on your own recovery. That is hands down the most helpful thing you can do for anyone around you, whether they have an addiction or not. If you’re wishing that they would work on their recovery by going to meetings or reading literature or calling other people in the program or doing all those things that help people stay sober, then I’m going to say instead you put that energy into your recovery. You go to your own meetings, seek out your own therapy, read your own recovery literature for family members around this. There’s plenty of it out there. That is way more helpful than trying to figure out what you can do to make them stay sober. It allows you to show up in the relationship as your best self. Usually, that’s most of what we can do. All right. Then the last of these questions: when will everything just get back to normal so we can put this behind us?

Bryan: I would say that a new normal is a more reasonable goal to aim for than back to normal. Your loved one will have changed while they’re in treatment. Hopefully, you will have grown and changed through this experience also. The new normal is most likely going to be better than what you had before.

Tamara: Your idea of what was normal previously is going to be completely different from their idea of normal. My idea of normal is drinking until I black out, peeing my pants, and not remembering anything that happened all the time. That’s normal for me. That’s normal for an addict or an alcoholic. For someone in recovery who’s working a program, their life is only going to improve. In turn, their level of awareness and respect for you is going to grow as well. There’s a lot that drugs and alcohol can cover up. In active addiction, a lot of things look like it’s your fault, not mine, but now your loved one has the potential to create a new normal that is drastically better than any normal you had previously.

Kira Arrillaga: Yeah, I don’t think my life was ever normal. I don’t think my – I don’t even know what normal is, but one of the lines that sticks out from the Alcoholics Anonymous big book is we will be restored to sanity. I’ve been to a bunch of meetings where people have read that line and then laughed about it because they were like, well, I was never sane in the first place. I think that’s really true. I got into all of the things that I got into because I didn’t feel sane. I didn’t feel sane until I’d been in recovery for a while. That became my new normal, but my old normal was complete chaos. I like the new normal.

Casey Arrillaga: That’s all the questions we have for today. Man, I am so grateful that everybody came out to do this and that we got to answer some of these questions. Who knows? Maybe we’ll reconvene the panel at a later time and a few more of the questions that family members ask.

Bryan: Casey, I’d be so honored if we were able to reconvene. I’m always happy to add to the knowledge of any family member that has a loved one that’s in addiction. That’s a hard struggle.

Tamara: Well said, Bryan. Thank you, Casey. We love having the opportunity to do this, like Bryan said, to just put more information out there. We’ll be happy to come back again in the future.

Kira Arrillaga: Thanks, Casey. I really enjoyed doing this. You know where to find me.

Casey Arrillaga: Thanks for being with us through another episode of Addiction and the Family. As they say in many recovery meetings, take what you liked and leave the rest. Go out and explore the possibilities for recovery in your life and give your loved ones the space and dignity to make their own choices. If you liked this podcast, please subscribe. It means a lot to us. If you know anyone else who could use what we have to offer, please tell them about Addiction and the Family. If you have comments about this podcast, have a question you’d like answered on the show, or want to contribute your voice, or just want to say hi, you can write to us at addictionandthefamily@gmail.com. We’re also happy to be your friend on Facebook and we can be found tweeting on Twitter.

Kira Arrillaga: Addiction and the Family is produced, written, and engineered by