Effective Communication And Boundaries

Announcer: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, “Episode 3: Recovery in the time of COVID-19.”

Casey Arrillaga: How has addiction affected your family?

Female Speaker: It robbed me of my father.

Female Speaker: Addiction's affected my family in absolutely every way.

Male Speaker: It has caused a lot of turmoil.

Female Speaker: It goes back to what I understand is at least three generations.

Female Speaker: It robbed my daughter of her mother. It robbed my mother of her daughter.

Female Speaker: Addiction has made our family quite challenging.

Male Speaker: Addiction has affected my family tremendously.

Male Speaker: It's affected my relationship with my sister where I wouldn't – I'd go for months without talking to her. It's a very difficult thing for everybody involved. It doesn't just affect the one individual. It's a disease that affects the whole family.

Male Speaker: Addiction is spread not only genetically through some of my relatives and I assume ancestors.

Female Speaker: It's generational.

Female Speaker: I think of him every day.

Casey Arrillaga: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, a podcast by and for family members of anyone with an addiction. My name is Casey Arrillaga, and I'm a social worker and addiction counselor at both Windmill Wellness Ranch and InMindOut Emotional Wellness Centers in Texas.

Kira Arrillaga: I’m Kira Arrillaga, addiction counselor intern and recovery coach. Casey and I were in our addictions together for over ten years and have now been in recovery together for almost twice that long.

Casey Arrillaga: I've led hundreds of family workshops, but just as important is that Kira and I have lived the experience of being family to addiction as both children and adults.

Kira Arrillaga: Join us as we offer experience, strength, and realistic hope about how you and your family can find recovery together. In this episode we will be looking at how to have more effective communication and boundaries. We will learn about communication styles, how to tell which style is your default, and tips on how to communicate more effectively in any situation. We will also discuss what makes an effective boundary and how to set some boundaries of your own. All this and more after a word from one of our sponsors.
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Casey Arrillaga: Welcome back. Most of the work I do with families around addiction comes down to working on communication. This is in part because when communication becomes open and honest, many issues start to move towards resolution. Where resolution does not come naturally, open and honest communication facilitates clarity about the problem and a better sense of how it may be addressed. Unfortunately, addiction tends to bring out secrecy and dishonesty instead. This is most obvious in the person with the addiction but often appears in family members as well, although it may be harder to see. Addiction also leads to fear and distrust, which are enemies of effective communication.
To make things worse, many families have a long history of addiction impaired communication. Even if the addiction itself skips a generation or two, family patterns that developed to cope with it can get passed down to each new generation anyway. Sometimes this happens by example, and other times it’s taught directly. For instance, older family members may tell younger family members, “We don’t air our dirty laundry in the street,” or, “Stop crying. Go get cleaned up, and come out with a smile on your face,” or, “Don’t go telling the neighbors what goes on in this house,” or, “Dad wasn’t drunk last night. He just felt sick.” Such sayings train the next generation to keep secrets or hide feelings and deny the truth. Clearly, these are all factors that undermine good communication.
Less overt teaching might include parents modeling secret keeping, refusing to discuss addictive behavior, or simply not showing emotions when difficulties naturally arise in life. I grew up with some of these ideas. In our house, it seemed forbidden to openly talk about let alone challenge my dad’s alcohol use. Given that his drinking sometimes dominated our lives, everyone in the family was in a bind. There was something obviously wrong that could not be acknowledged, so hiding feelings became a coping strategy. This left our communication largely devoid of emotional content, except for expressions of happiness when deemed appropriate. Anger was reserved for my dad, but this rule was not openly stated either. Thus, we had boundaries that were not clearly set but instead were often discovered only when they were crossed.
My dad’s mood set the emotional tone for the household, which meant that when he was drinking, all bets were off. One night when we were on vacation in a cabin rental in the Redwoods, he was up late and getting loud, yelling nonsense commands that everyone tried to obey. I thought he had lost his sanity, and I expected orderlies to arrive any moment from a mental hospital to come take him away. We were able to fall asleep only after he finally passed out. The next morning my parents said Dad had not been feeling well the night before. No further explanations were given, and it was never spoken of again. This helped model a family culture of secrecy, denial, dishonesty and silence. In short, we learned to unwittingly protect and enable my dad’s addiction through our communication or lack thereof.
Later in life, I would use these same patterns to protect my own addiction and encourage those around me to do the same. First and foremost, I took on the idea that problems must be hidden from view. I did this in my single life and continued in my marriage. When I experienced struggles, I worked to resolve them as best I could on my own because I didn’t want anyone to think I was not okay. This allowed my addiction to take deeper root while avoiding detection for years. If my wife and I were in conflict or if either of us was having trouble individually, I still portrayed us as doing fine. Even in weekly therapy, I downplayed anything that related to my compulsive sexuality, and I justified my actions if they came to light. There were aspects of my addiction that I wore as a badge of honor to denote my edgy and outsider status, but I usually showed these only to people I hoped would be impressed. I might also hint at these things as a way to put out bait for people with whom I might act out, but for the most part, I kept anything hidden that I thought might give away the depth of my actions and their compulsive nature.
I also subscribed to my family’s belief that only one person was allowed to get angry, but now that person was me. I tried to keep my anger hidden most of the time, and then would have outbursts that neither I nor my family would see coming. I also felt threatened of my wife or daughter getting angry so I was likely to either go back to my childhood pattern of trying to placate and manage their emotions, or I would ramp my own anger up to take control. I was self-conscious about all this, so I tried to get my wife and daughter to join me in maintaining a shiny family image. This helped perpetuate the family culture of secrecy and denial. As with my family of origin, this family culture created fertile ground in which addiction could flourish. Even when everyone could see that something was wrong, I cheerfully maintained that everything was just fine as long as it went my way and enabled my addiction.
Recovery allowed us to find healthier ways to communicate, not only with each other, something my wife and I have worked on for years, but also to communicate more honestly with the world. I started slowly letting the people closest to us know that we were not always happy and that I was not the model husband I tried so hard to portray. I worked on my anger, on allowing everyone in the family space to feel and express all of their emotions. Make no mistake, these changes were not instantaneous, and they were not easy. Nonetheless, as we started into recovery, we unknowingly started into a new phase of open, honest communication. As with so many gifts of recovery, we did not see this coming, but it arrived nonetheless.
If you want to find healthier patterns for you and your family, it would be helpful to understand more about communication styles and how they show up in your life. While there are different variations on this theory, I find that the following four styles nicely encapsulate what I see around addiction: aggressive, passive, passive aggressive, and assertive. I think of each style as a tool. As with all tools, each style has a purpose and thus can be helpful in the right circumstance but if misapplied can cause more harm than good. Let’s look at each one and see what it has to offer.
Aggressive communication tends to be pushy or dominating. As with most of the communication styles, it’s used for a person to get their way either in a specific situation or more broadly in a relationship, in this case by obviously trying to win. It thus often features a louder or more forceful tone of voice as well as tense body language and facial expressions but may sound calm while talking faster or talking over other people. It may involve blaming others or pointing out their faults as a way to take power in the discussion or relationship. Aggressive communication often involves speaking in extremes such as “you always” or “you never”. It may include simply talking until the other person gives in. It is most associated with anger, which often masks fear. This anger is often driven by the thought “I must get my way,” while the fear underneath it typically says, “If I don’t win, things will be awful.” These emotions and thoughts may be unconscious, but they are nonetheless powerful motivators.
Growing up, I witnessed the aggressive style routinely from my dad. For him, it seemed to be a way to maintain discipline and order in the house, but it was also used to deal with any perceived interpersonal threats. Thus, if he was offended or felt disrespected in any way by almost anyone, he would unleash his anger and belittle them. I felt embarrassed by this as I moved into adolescence and saw him go after gas station attendants, hotel clerks, my mom or anyone else he saw as having less power than him. Despite my judgment of this growing up, as an adult, I was prone to sudden outbursts of aggressive communication when I felt scared. I could not predict when this would happen, and I was often immediately remorseful. Still, I could not deny that this style was in my toolbox, whether I wanted it there or not.
Such a stance may be unpleasant to be around, but it has its place. The aggressive style is appropriate in crises where safety is on the line. In such situations, someone may have to take command and issue orders while those around them must obey. The truth is everyone’s safety may be preserved. Military personnel sometimes use the aggressive style especially in life-or-death situations. When the bullets are flying, there’s no time to gather everyone around and form a consensus. Instead, those in command must maintain control without worrying if anyone’s feelings get hurt. While other crises may be less dire, the aggressive style may be found in political debates, corporate boardrooms, or any other situation where a lot of power and money is on the line, especially where time is of the essence.
People who become accustomed to aggressive communication at work or on deployment often struggle when they come home and find that this style does not go over well with the people they love. If this is your go-to style, keep in mind that aggressive communication is not meant to build relationships. It is meant for a short-term crisis. After the immediate threat is over, it can be traded in for a more situation appropriate style. Sometimes when people are faced with or grow up around the aggressive style, they meet it with aggressive communication of their own. Other times, people react with the opposite, the passive style.
Passive communication goes along to get along. Passive communication is less obviously manipulative, but it is used just as surely for a person to get their way either in a specific situation or more broadly in a relationship. Instead of pushing to win, however, passive communication tries to keep the peace and avoid conflict through disapproval. This is often done through a quiet or meek tone and body language but sometimes with false cheer or nonchalance. Passive communication can involve simply not speaking up at all. Passive communication is more likely to accept blame or be appeasing. It may involve ideas such as, “I’m okay with whatever you want,” or, “You’re right.” While these could be honest expressions in some circumstances, the passive style relies on them as a matter of course.
As an example, if you’ve ever known or been someone who always says they don’t care where we go for dinner, then you are probably dealing with passive communication. After all, everyone has some preference about what they like to eat. To consistently say otherwise is to lapse into dishonesty usually to please others. This is a relatively benign example, but it illustrates a broader pattern of relationships in which a person pretends to have no little or no opinion in order to get what they really want: perceived security and safety. Unfortunately, this sense of safety comes at a steep price. Relying on the passive style can leave a person with little say in their lives, lowered self-esteem, and resentment if others do not respond in the way the passive communicator wanted. Because it is inherently dishonest, it undermines open communication and thus does not help build healthy relationships.
In families that struggle with addiction, passive communication can keep people from speaking up when they see something wrong. In my adoptive family, my mother personified the passive style. It was taken for granted that my father was the authority and had the final word. My mom acquiesced to his wishes and demands. My dad saw himself as a benign dictator who looked out for his family, and there was no doubt that my mom would give in whenever there was a disagreement. I watched this take a toll on my mom, especially when her passive communication could not guarantee peace. This particularly came up when my dad was drinking, which led to the few outright fights I can recall. She had chosen for years to always give in and pretend that she was always okay with whatever he chose, so it was very hard for her to stand up for herself or the kids when things became intolerable. She would inevitably back down and then feel helpless and despairing. The safety and security she craved did not ultimately materialize from going along with someone else’s opinions and wishes all the time, especially someone in the grip of addiction.
The passive style, nonetheless, has its place. Many people use it selectively such as when talking to a boss or a teacher. Like aggressive communication, passive communication is well-suited for a crisis, especially if the person using the passive style would do best to follow others’ commands. It works especially ell in situations where the other person seems dangerous and has the upper hand, such as if you find yourself being held hostage. Unfortunately, living with someone in their active addiction sometimes feels like a hostage crisis as the addiction hijacks the family dynamic. It can be tempting to turn to passive communication to mollify them, especially if they obviously act out more in their addiction when upset. Family members may find themselves using the passive style in hopes that it will not only keep the peace but also reduce the addiction. Unfortunately, it is more likely to encourage the person with the addiction to keep going knowing they can get family members to back down rather than setting and keeping boundaries.
Passive communication is not limited to family members. The person with the addiction may turn to this style not only as a way to get along in general but also because it allows them to fly under the radar with their gambling, romancing, shopping, eating, drug use, etcetera. They always seem to give in and agree with others’ suggestions but then quietly go about their addictive acting out anyway. This particularly comes up when more than one family member acts compulsively. An unspoken deal can be struck in which they remain silent about each other’s compulsive behavior and thus go unchallenged in their own addiction.
There is a communication style that seeks to find a neutral ground between aggressive and passive styles. It is thus named for both: the passive aggressive style. Passive aggressive communication is an attempt for a person to get their way, like aggressive communication, but not get caught or confronted, like passive communication. This style often sows confusion because it sends mixed messages. This may happen through a sarcastic tone, quiet, cutting comments, veiled accusations, jokes that seem a little insulting, mumbled complaints, comments made as the person is leaving the room, and communication where the tone and body language say something very different than the words used. It may show up without words at all such as when a person stomps around the house or starts slamming cupboard doors instead of letting others know in a straightforward way they’re upset. It could look like sulking or pouting instead of openly expressing that they feel sad or hurt.
The person using the passive aggressive style will often deny it if confronted. If asked why they are upset, they might say, “You know why,” or, “You obviously don’t care, so why should I tell you?” If asked what they were mumbling under their breath, they may say, “Nothing.” That’s what I always did. My sense of humor was based on making other people uncomfortable and coating everything with a thick layer of sarcasm. The communication style that is based in this direction in creating uncertainty fits perfectly with my addiction. After all, I was always trying to get away with things while maintaining plausible deniability. I could push boundaries and claim I was only joking. I could always leave them guessing, which meant that people could never really tell what I was up to. At least that’s what I hoped. Most of all, I was always being slightly dishonest, something that formed a cornerstone of both the passive aggressive style and my addiction.
Many family members have found themselves turning to passive aggressive communication. If it doesn’t feel safe or worthwhile to be straightforward and honest but you can’t stand being passive about it either, then the passive aggressive style may seem like all that’s left. Happily, this is not true. There is one more option: the assertive style. This is the one that turns out to be the most effective most of the time and also happens to be the most honest. Notice that the three preceding styles are all attempts to feel safe through manipulation and dishonesty. The aggressive style seeks safety through dominance, passive through acquiescence, and passive aggressive through pretending to acquiesce and then scoring points without getting caught.
In contrast to this, the assertive style is based on openness and honesty. It is associated with greater serenity and courage. Assertive communication often features a calm tone and open body language. Someone engaging in assertive communication does not insist on getting their way but is instead willing to hear all sides and find a path forward. This does not mean that core values have to be sacrificed or compromised only that when boundaries need to be set, this is done in a clear and open manner, and when negotiation is more appropriate, it is also done in a straightforward way.
The assertive style carries an underlying message just like all the other styles, but this one is not based in fear. The aggressive style says, “I must get my way, or it will be a disaster,” the passive style says, “I must not push for my way, or it will be a disaster,” and the passive aggressive style says, “I must not get caught trying to get my way, or it will be a disaster.” In contrast to this, the assertive style says, “I can ask for my way, stand up for my values, and be okay no matter what.” In most situations in life, this is the most realistic view. Some family members argue that this is not true when it comes to a loved one’s recovery. They insist that they cannot be okay if their loved one is not doing well. While this is an understandable fear, human experience has shown otherwise. Many people have learned to be okay with outcomes they didn’t think that they could withstand. As the Al-Anon program says members find serenity and even happiness whether their loved one gets sober or not.
Perhaps the continued addiction is not your worst fear. That may be reserve for the death of your loved one. This is very understandable, but living in such fear and letting it warp your communication style will not prevent the dreaded outcome. Instead, it will only get in the way of the relationship. Since none of us has the power of life and death and thus we don’t know how long we have together, let us not waste whatever time we have on trying to manipulate each other through the misuse of communication styles. Communication does not need to be about getting others to do what you want. It can be about showing love and increasing connection. To move toward that, try staying open and honest and then letting go of outcomes as much as possible. Here are some tips.
Use “I” statements. This means talking from your own point of view. Starting your sentence with “I” or “we” makes the communication more personal and easier for the other person to hear. This is more than a simple grammar trick. It often allows the speaker to be more in touch with their emotions and message. If you switch pronouns and say “you” when you really mean “I”, it has the opposite effect. Instead of being personal, it sounds as though you are telling someone else what their experience is or will be. This may feel safer to you because then you don’t have to deal with your own feelings as much, but it will feel less safe to others, and they will have a harder time connecting to what you are trying to convey. Starting with “you” can also lead to saying things like “you always,” “you never,” and talking down to others.
Talk about your emotions. Everything you say doesn’t have to be laden with feeling, but being able to name and describe your emotions conveys important information. This can help you connect and makes your motivations clearer. This often creates a feeling of greater safety for the other person, which in turn makes it easier for them to open up as well. All too often we say “I feel” but then follow this with what we think instead such as saying, “I feel like you need to get a job.” The problem is “you need to get a job” is not a feeling. It’s a thought Instead you might try saying, “I feel scared when I see you unemployed.” This expresses the emotions you are feeling while also conveying what inspires those emotions. One way to catch if you are substituting thoughts for emotions is if the sentence starts with “I feel like”, then you will probably name only thoughts. Instead, say “I feel” and then name your emotions using only a few words like happy, sad, etcetera.
Use reflective listening. This involves putting the other person’s main points into your own words and then checking with them to see if you got it right. This leads to one of two outcomes. Either they can confirm that you got your meaning and then you both know that they were properly understood, or they have the opportunity to correct any misinterpretation. Either outcome tends to create greater meaning and connection while ensuring better communication in general. You don’t have to reflect back everything someone says to you, but it can be very helpful for the important points in a conversation or any time you are not certain that you are fully comprehending what is being said.
Don’t keep bringing up the past. This is an Al-Anon slogan that fits well with assertive communication. It doesn’t mean that you can never reference anything that has happened before or that your previous hurts must go ignored. It means that if you find yourself constantly giving history lessons, especially about other’s behavior, then you are likely trying to get others to feel and behave the way you want. In other words, constantly bringing up the past is a form of manipulation.
Don’t tell other people what they think and feel. Mind reading belongs on a carnival boardwalk and not in a family relationship, so instead of telling someone else what they are thinking and feeling, ask them. You might be tempted to ask, “Are you feeling angry, sad, happy?” It’s better to ask a completely open question such as, “How are you feeling about this?” Maintain eye contact. This does not mean staring the other person down. Instead, just make sure you are looking the other person in the eyes most of the time. This conveys interest and respect while giving both of you the opportunity to catch all the subtleties of emotion and meaning that the eyes convey.
Remember that you can be okay no matter what. This can be a tough one to swallow sometimes, but it makes assertive communication much, much easier. This is because such an attitude takes fear out of the conversation allowing you to focus on being open and honest rather than pushing to get your way. If you’re in a negotiation, this understanding will give you a stronger position because you can walk away if need be. You can also stand up for what is most important to you without undercutting yourself with worry that the other person won’t like you as much. Spirituality both in and out of recovery fellowships can help with this because if you believe there is a higher power with a perfect plan for you and/or your loved one, then it’s a lot easier to let go and communicate in a more straightforward way.
Don’t worry if you don’t do all these things or don’t do them perfectly right off the bat. If the family has a multigenerational pattern of addiction, assertive communication may have been in short supply. You might try out one of these tips until it feels more natural. Then add another one, then another. Be patient with yourself and see what this style can do for you. As it turns out the assertive style can do more than just help with communication in the family. It is also the basis of effective feedback and boundaries, which we will discuss after a break to hear from one of our sponsors.
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Welcome back. Many family members tell me that they’re afraid they will say the wrong thing to their loved one and screw everything up. Alternately, some families seem all too eager to give lectures and advice in hopes of talking their loved one into sobriety. Neither approach makes for effective communication or feedback. Let’s look at what might work better. First and foremost, I found that feedback works best if the person at the receiving end is open to it. Don’t bother giving a bunch of feedback to someone who doesn’t want to hear it no matter how much you think you have the magic words that they desperately need to hear. How can you tell if they’re open? Ask. The simplest form of this is, “Are you open to feedback?” Variations include, “Would you like to hear my opinion?” “Are you open to my point of view?” or, “May I offer my thoughts?” Next, pause long enough for them to give an honest answer before you go charging in with what you wanted to say.
If they say no, you may feel frustrated or disappointed, but it’s actually a golden opportunity to build relationship. This is because relationships and communication are built on safety and trust. If people feel safe and trusting, they will naturally move into closer relationship. If they feel unsafe or untrusting, they will push away. If you can respect their wishes by not giving unwelcome feedback, you are showing them that you are a safe and trustworthy person in your communication. They may even come around a few minutes later and say they are open after all. Receiving feedback can feel very vulnerable, so people want to know they’re safe before opening themselves up to hear potential criticism or attack.
Another way to build trust is to ask for feedback from them. This moves away from the top-down model in which your life looks pretty good, and their life looks pretty bad, so you’re going to talk down to them from on high. I don’t know about you, but I am less open to hearing someone’s thoughts if they seem to be talking down to me. Asking for feedback indicates that you understand that no one has all the answers for anyone else’s life but that you respect them enough to hear their point of view. It also says that you want to move toward a more equal relationship. If they say they are open to your feedback, here’s some ideas to help things go more smoothly.
Use “I” statements. This is particularly important in giving feedback because it promotes humility rather than talking down to your loved one, and it acknowledges that your opinion is just that, an opinion. Using “I” statements allows your loved one to take what they like and leave the rest. Check your motives. Are you trying to talk them into your point of view? They didn’t ask for that, and it probably isn’t welcome. Keep it short and sweet. Get in. Give your perspective. Then get back out. If you find yourself looping, that is to say repeating the same ideas or talking points over and over again, you’re probably trying to convince them to do what you want. That’s manipulation, not feedback. Stick to the subject at hand. They agreed to hear feedback, not a primer on everything they’re doing wrong.
Avoid giving lectures and advice. If you could lecture and advise them better, it would have happened by now. Don’t tell them what they think and feel. Instead, tell them what you think and feel. When you say I feel, follow it with an emotion word, just like we talked about in the section on assertive communication style. Be vulnerable. This is the essence of effective feedback. It is vulnerable to tell someone else what you felt when seeing them in a certain state or after an action. This may be expressed in statements such as, “When you got drunk again, I felt scared and angry. I feel happy that we can talk about it now and cautiously optimistic about the future.”
Look for points of relation rather than differences. When we ask someone to get sober, we are asking them to do one of the scariest things they have ever done. Think of a time when you faced your greatest fears or what it might feel like to give up your most trusted coping skills for the rest of your life. Find empathy and how you can relate to what your loved one is going through rather than thinking, I don’t have an addiction so I have no idea why they don’t just stop. Finally, let go of the result. This may be the most important point of all. You have no control over how they take your feedback or what they do in response. This will be true no matter how many times or ways you say it. Constantly trying to get them to do what you want will only impede the relationship. Instead, give your best feedback and then get out of the way.
Now that we’ve discussed effective feedback, let’s look at how to set effective boundaries. Many family members tell me they struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. While this is often true, many people start by misunderstanding what a boundary even looks like. Family members often think of boundaries as being rules that are laid out for others to follow, such as, “You can’t come over here drunk,” or variations like, “Please don’t come over here drunk.” I understand why such statements could be thought of as boundaries but there’s a fatal weakness in this model. Simply put, most people aren’t sure what to do if the other person doesn’t follow the rule. This leads family members to tell me that there’s no point in setting boundaries with their addicted loved one because that person does whatever they want anyway. Thus, we see that the statement, “You can’t come over here drunk,” is not really a boundary. Instead, it’s an expression of hope, one that is likely doomed to failure if you’re dealing with someone who is highly motivated to keep getting drunk.
For this reason, I refer to statements such as this as requests for change, not boundaries. A request for change can be an appropriate first action but it does not guarantee that anything will happen differently than before. To get a new outcome, an effective boundary needs to be set. Effective boundaries are at their heart if/then statements that express how you will change your behavior in response to what someone else does. For instance, rather than saying, “You can’t come over here drunk,” you might say, “If you come over here drunk, I will ask you to leave. If you refuse to leave, I will call the police.” Note that neither of these statements tells the other person what to do. Instead, they tell that person what you will do. This acknowledges that the other person has freedom of choice about how they will proceed while giving them fair warning about what to expect if they take certain actions. Some people see these statements as ultimatums, but this is only true if your boundary is born of unrealistically disastrous consequences for not complying, such as, “If you come over here drunk, I will never speak to you again.” I call this leading with a nuclear option and it is only appropriate if you’ve truly reached your limit and are willing to follow through with the threat and consequence.
Checking with yourself first to determine your most realistic response will pay dividends. It helps you set boundaries that are not empty threats and it keeps you from painting yourself to a corner by saying that you will do something that you do not wish to do. You may feel drawn to lead with the nuclear option if you think it’ll change the other person’s behavior, but keep in mind that this provides only the illusion of control. In reality, the other person is going to choose their responses and action no matter what you threaten. Trying to manage and control them through dramatic and unrealistic boundaries is actually an attempt at manipulation. Tempting as this may be, it will not lead to healthy relationships nor will it provide the sense of safety and security that a promise is.
Boundaries need not only be expressed as negative consequences to undesirable actions. Instead, they could describe the positive outcomes for desired behavior. A basic boundary might first be expressed as, “If you were sober, I’d be happy to have you over.” Such boundaries are set all the time in every day situations, such as, “If you get good grades, I’ll pay for you to go to college,” or “If you do a good job, there’s a bonus in it for you.” Try to think of how your boundaries might be phrased as positive or affirmative statements.
Once people understand how to set effective boundaries, they’re faced with the next step, figuring out where to set those boundaries. I have two simple guidelines on this. The first is to set boundaries that protect your safety and the safety of those you love to the best of your ability. For instance, you might set boundaries around not allowing drug use or violent behavior in your home. The second guideline is to set boundaries that stand up for your values. This could include boundaries that stand up for honesty, fairness, teamwork, etc.
Let’s look at some examples. If you want to protect the safety of yourself and your home, you might say, “If you become violent in my home, I will call the authorities and I won’t bail you out if you’re arrested as a result.” If your safety and that of those you love seems threatened by someone’s drug use, you can speak to that as well. If you set a boundary standing up for an important value, it might sound like, “If you are able to show up in a spirit of teamwork and fully participate, we would love to include you in more family events. If not, we understand and we’ll include you less often.”
As a personal example, when I took Kira to meet my family for the first time, I called my dad ahead of time. I told him, “If you start drinking while she is there, we will get in the car and leave immediately.” I had not dared to say anything like this to my father before but I knew how important the safety of my new relationship was to me. He became upset and asked how could I even think he would do such a thing, seeming to forget he had once swung at me in front of a previous girlfriend when he was drunk. I didn’t argue with him or try and convince him of my point of view. I just restated the boundary. I never saw him take a drink of alcohol again, even though he didn’t stop using it until about 20 years after that. Your mileage may vary, but it is undeniable that setting this boundary changed our relationship for the better.
Once you know what boundaries you want to set and you have expressed them clearly, the next step is to maintain and enforce them. This is vital because a boundary is only as effective as your follow through. As much as you might hope that setting a boundary will be met with respect, the other person may be perfectly happy to maintain the status quo. In fact, it is our natural tendencies as human beings to try to keep social relationships the way they are, even if we don’t like them the way they are. Thus, if you set new boundaries, people may test them just to see if they can get you to go back to your old ways. They may not even realize they’re doing so, but the effort is real nonetheless. Because of this, it is up to you to make change happen. This sounds simple in principle, right? Just do the thing you said you were going to do. Unfortunately, simple is not the same as easy. Let’s look at common difficulties in keeping boundaries and how you can maintain them anyway.
The factor that I see most frequently undermining otherwise good boundaries is a fear of conflict. If you’re afraid to be in conflict with the person at the receiving end of a boundary, they can get you to back down by threatening conflict when you’re try and enforce that boundary. This could look like raising their voice, using a hostile tone and body language, or making overt threats. Sometimes they don’t even need to do that much. They might just give you a look. Finally, you may undermine your own boundaries without any contribution from them. Perhaps as you were talking, you start to anticipate conflict and back down or start to compromise without them doing a thing. Keep in mind that the other person has no power to change your behavior anymore than you have the power to change theirs. Therefore, it’s not their fault if you don’t keep your boundary. You’re the one who makes the decision to back down or not.
Another common thing that undermines boundaries is fear that the other person won’t like you as much if you change your behavior and stand up for yourself. This fear does not require them to be hostile. They may act hurt or confused by your new attitude and actions. They may convey this through verbal or nonverbal means. Once again, you may back down because of this fear without any contribution on their part. Yet another way to undermine your boundaries is by feeling guilty for standing up for yourself. You may decide it is selfish to advocate for yourself, but this is unlikely to be true. Selfishness involves not caring if anyone else is hurt or deprived as you do what you want. Rather than that, we’re talking about making sure you’re okay before doing the same for those around you. This is akin to the familiar analogy of putting your oxygen mask on before trying to help someone else.
The reality is that most family members listening to this podcast will not have any real struggle with selfishness on their own part, but if they’re dealing with someone who has an active addiction, they’re likely to struggle with that person being selfish because addiction is selfish by nature.
To summarize, don’t try and set boundaries by telling others what they can and can’t do. Instead, tell them what you are going to do. Set your boundaries in order to protect your safety and stand up for your values rather than trying to set boundaries to get others to change. Once your boundaries are set, stand by them. That brings us to the end of another episode. We covered effective communication, feedback, and boundaries. Try some of these ideas in your life and see what works best for you.
Thanks for being with us through another episode of Addiction and the Family. As they say in many recovery meetings, take what you liked and leave the rest. Go out and explore the possibilities for recovery in your life and give your loved ones the space and dignity to make their own choices. If you liked this podcast, please subscribe. It means a lot to us. If you know anyone else who could use what we have to offer, please tell them about Addiction and the Family. If you have comments about this podcast, have a question you’d liked answered on the show, or want to contribute your voice, or just want to say hi, you can write to us at addictionandthefamily@gmail.com. We’re also happy to be your friend on Facebook, and we can be found tweeting on Twitter.

Kira Arrillaga: Addiction and the Family is produced, written, and engineered by Kira and Casey Arrillaga, with music by Casey.