Arnold: Reflections on a Lifetime in Recovery

Announcer: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, “Episode 18: Reflections on a Lifetime of Sobriety.

Casey Arrillaga: How has addiction affected your family?

Female Speaker: It robbed me of my father.

Female Speaker: Addiction's affected my family in absolutely every way.

Male Speaker: It has caused a lot of turmoil.

Female Speaker: It goes back to what I understand is at least three generations.

Female Speaker: It robbed my daughter of her mother. It robbed my mother of her daughter.

Female Speaker: Addiction has made our family quite challenging.

Male Speaker: Addiction has affected my family tremendously.

Male Speaker: It's affected my relationship with my sister where I wouldn't – I'd go for months without talking to her. It's a very difficult thing for everybody involved. It doesn't just affect the one individual. It's a disease that affects the whole family.

Male Speaker: Addiction is spread not only genetically through some of my relatives and I assume ancestors.

Female Speaker: It's generational.

Female Speaker: I think of him every day.

Casey Arrillaga: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, a podcast by and for family members of anyone with an addiction. My name is Casey Arrillaga, and I'm a clinical social worker and addiction counselor at both Windmill Wellness Ranch and InMindOut Emotional Wellness Centers in Texas.

Kira Arrillaga: I’m Kira Arrillaga, addiction counselor intern and recovery coach at Windmill. Casey and I were in our addictions together for over ten years, and have now been in recovery together for almost twice that long.

Casey Arrillaga: I've led hundreds of family workshops, but just as important is that Kira and I have lived the experience of being family to addiction, as both children and adults.

Kira Arrillaga: Join us as we offer experience, strength, and realistic hope about how you and your family can find recovery together.

Casey Arrillaga: In this episode, we will hear from Arnold, a man with decades of recovery. He talks about his marriage, raising a family sober, and gives us perspective on how family members can best be involved in recovery. We’ll hear his interview after a word from one of our sponsors.
[Commercial]
Welcome back. I’m thrilled to bring you this interview with someone who has been instrumental as a guiding light and mentor in my recovery. I first met Arnold almost 19 years ago in Los Angeles, and we’ve talked almost every week since then. We’ve both moved to different parts of the country and rarely see each other in-person anymore, but his influence on my life and well-being are still strong. It’s hard to overstate how important he has been in my life. I also had the pleasure of knowing his wife, Lucy, with whom he shared marriage and recovery until she passed away about two years ago.
Without further ado, let’s hear that interview. Welcome to Addiction and the Family. Would you mind just briefly introducing yourself?

Arnold: I’m Arnold. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I have a couple other programs that I attend, which are sexual recovery and also Debtors Anonymous.

Casey Arrillaga: You recently celebrated a recovery milestone. Can you tell us about that?

Arnold: Yes, I received my 50-year chip in AA. I came into AA in 1971, February. Bill W had passed away in January on the 25th, so I got sober in April 8th of that same year, ‘71, and have been sober ever since. For me, it’s not 50 years. It’s another 24 hours. For the newcomer, they should understand it is 50 years, to give them hope that this program works and that we can stay sober throughout the rest of our life.

Casey Arrillaga: That is powerful testimony and an amazing milestone. Let me take just a moment to say congratulations.

Arnold: Thank you.

Casey Arrillaga: What got you into recovery, and what has kept you coming back?

Arnold: What got me into recovery was the fact that my wife was frightened of my drinking and was not going to put up with it anymore. She informed me she was going to see a lawyer, at which point I pulled the car over to the side of the road and said, “Let’s talk about that.” We ended up going to a minister that we knew, and we had counsel with him. My situation was so complex that it took him two whole minutes to say to me that there’s an AA meeting here at Monday night in the church. I’ll put you in contact with somebody that is in AA and get you started. Once I joined AA, it took a while for me to actually stop drinking.
I’ve seen this in many people. It takes a while sometimes to actually stop drinking. During this period of time, we’re recording and we’re listening to things in the meeting. Finally, I had a very frightening accident, ended up in the hospital overnight. Fortunately, I didn’t get badly hurt, but when I called my wife in the morning, I just said, “I had an accident. I’ll be home.” I came home, and I had completely given up trying to run my own life, and started to get sober in AA.

Casey Arrillaga: Before we move on, I’d like to ask you a question about that. You talked about joining AA and then taking a little while to stop drinking. This might be important for people who are new to recovery and also for family members to hear. You said this is a common thing. Can you talk about that? What would someone who’s not familiar with these issues need to know about that because it might be easy for them to be puzzled?

Arnold: It happens quite often. Is it common? It might be. I think we have different of ways of coming into the program. Some get it instantly, and some need a length of time in order to fully understand that they do need to stop drinking. It’s important for the family and the addict to recognize that there might be a period of time in which they don’t stop drinking. They key items that are very important is, number one, getting to a good number of meetings per week, second of all, working the steps. It’s important to look for those things that they’re doing, rather than them completely stopping to begin with, because slowly they’ll get it.

Casey Arrillaga: Is there anything that you would recommend for family members to do during that time, when someone they love seems to be close to getting it, but not quite?

Arnold: Even before the alcoholic comes into the program, it’s important for family members, especially those that are close to the alcoholic and have received the brunt of all the things that happened that the alcoholic does, that they attend Al-Anon meetings and start taking care of themselves because if we’re not careful, we’ll aid and abet the alcoholic when we think we’re helping them. It’s important to understand what helps the alcoholic come to the decision they need help and they need to be serious about it.

Casey Arrillaga: Thank you for that perspective. You mentioned being in more than one recovery program. Can you talk about the value and necessity of being in more than one?

Arnold: Yes. Step 12 of AA says that we should practice these principles in all our affairs. When I was having difficulty with sexual compulsion, I tried to get help, and just about not everybody understands what I was going through and were not of help. Things have changed and there’s probably more help in AA today than there has been. I finally went to my AA sponsor and said that I was having problems with sexual obsession and I needed to get help because it was going to destroy my marriage because my wife, again, was going to leave me. Eventually, I told her, “Please, no more because I’m running out of days of the week.”
Anyway, the important thing is that when I came into the program, these other programs did not exist. They started becoming available in the ‘80s and the ‘90s. That was a big time. I remember, for instance, NA was just starting in about 1974, ‘75. These programs weren’t available in the beginning. They are today. In fact, there’s almost alphabet A out there. The important thing is this. The same 12 steps are used in each program. However, only the first one has to do with the specific addiction. Why would I go to a meeting like that when all the steps are in AA? The reason is that first of all, I was in a room with people who had experienced the same things I had experienced in my sexual addiction.
I didn’t find anybody in AA that had or would speak up about having similar situations. I was understood, and that’s the fellowship. They were a great help. The second thing is, there are specific tools that each one of these programs has that are very important, and make getting sober and staying sober much easier. For instance, in DA –

Casey Arrillaga: That’s Debtors Anonymous a 120-step program for compulsive debting and thus involved in finance.

Arnold: We have keeping track of our spending, having spending plans, and actually having meetings with another couple or two people from DA to go over our spending and our spending plan, what are our goals are, and come out of it with a plan, rather than blindly going forward. That’s just one example. There’s different tools.

Casey Arrillaga: I was really struck from the contrast from when you talked to a minister and he knew right away to send you to AA, but when you tried to talk to people about compulsive sexuality or debting, no one was sure what to tell you. The resources were either unavailable or relatively unknown, whereas today there are so many recovery fellowships available for a wide variety of addictions and other mental health issues. What’s it been like to see that change?

Arnold: Oh, it’s been wonderful. It’s been beautiful because I’m seeing people putting their lives back together as a result of understanding, fellowship, working the program, and using the tools. More are created, it seems like, every day.

Casey Arrillaga: Right on. We covered this already to some extent, but anything else you’d want to say about how you came to be in each program?

Arnold: It’s interesting because in each case, my wife was going to leave me. Now if I had not come into any recovery, our marriage would have only lasted nine years. As a result of my responding to her concerns at various times, our marriage lasted 56 years. That’s a blessing. That’s a blessing that I’m grateful for. It was the same every time. That was the threshold at which action started. All I can say is, there are millions of spouses out there that have saved addicts’ lives, and we’re grateful for that. Thank you.

Casey Arrillaga: Yeah, I remember my own wife saying, “Well, maybe it’s time to go find one of those meetings.” Something I’ll point out for our audience is that it might be easy for a spouse or other family member to have the takeaway of, it’s up to me to get somebody sober. I don’t hear your wife saying, you have to get sober. I just hear her setting a boundary that she won’t put up with it anymore. Is that accurate?

Arnold: Yes, each time.

Casey Arrillaga: You were married 56 years before your wife passed away. For 48 of those years, you were in recovery. She found her own recovery. Would you mind talking about that a little bit?

Arnold: She came into Al-Anon as soon as I came into AA, and really got immersed in Al-Anon. That was wonderful because we both were growing at the same time. It’s so important for the spouse to be in Al-Anon because otherwise, the alcoholic or the addict will be growing, and the spouse is not. This is how Al-Anon got started, because Lois, Bill’s wife, was watching these meetings and listening to the guys. It suddenly dawned on her. They’re growing, they’re getting better, and they’re leaving us behind. She started Al-Anon. That, of course, has been a blessing for everybody involved in addiction.

Casey Arrillaga: Your wife started her recovery in Al-Anon, but it didn’t end there, did it?

Arnold: She ended up, after about six years, deciding she was an alcoholic. She came into the program, but it took her two years. Like me, she didn’t get it right away. It took her two years to finally get sober. She actually got sober about eight years after I did. It’s been a wonderful life with us both being sober. We had a very good marriage until addiction started taking over and we started having difficulties. There were times when I was not with the family when I should have been. I often talk on myself as being a thief because I had stolen time away from my family to satisfy my addiction. We had a good marriage.
She was forgiving, but it just got too much for her. She saved my life. One story that I tell is that when we were going together, we visited my aunt. I fell asleep on the couch, and she had a serious conversation with my aunt. My aunt explained to her that she should not marry me because I was an alcoholic. This is seven years before I came in the program. She was right, and she had a right to say that because she had married three alcoholics, so she knew what one was. I never heard about this discussion until about ten years after we were married. Fortunately, she didn’t agree to not marry me. We were married and had a wonderful life, most of the time. There were rough bumps.

Casey Arrillaga: As there always are. Outside of preventing you from getting divorced, what would you say was the biggest impact recovery had on your marriage?

Arnold: Oh, all sorts of things. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but every day, we would have a mini discussion, or you might call it a meeting, about the program. We’d talk about where I was, where she was. We both had sponsees, and so we’d talk about that. We’d talk about things we had heard in the program that were helpful. We’d try not to spread rumors. For quite a few years, we teamed up to help people get into the program. If the man was the alcoholic, I would take him to an AA meeting, and she would take the spouse to an Al-Anon meeting. If the alcoholic was the woman, she would take the woman to AA, and I would take the man to Al-Anon because I’d gone to Al-Anon when she was drinking so heavily.
It help me so very, very much, which means that if both of you are in the program, you should each go to at least one Al-Anon meeting every week, or every other week, but not less than that because we need to have the balance. We’re living with an alcoholic. We don’t get that help necessarily in AA. That’s what Al-Anon’s about. It has nothing to do with the alcoholic. It has to do with our reaction to the alcoholic. Let’s see. We set up rules. What we set up rules were the following. Number one, we agreed not to take each other’s inventory. That just solves a whole bunch of problems. We reminded each other when it did take place.
We also had a number of rules with regards to social life because we would go to a party and rule number one was always park the car where we were not blocked in, even if we had to be a block down the street. Second of all, if either one of us was uncomfortable, we gave a signal to the other, and there was no argument. We immediately left. Third of all, we never let anybody else get our drink because we didn’t know what was in it. If she brought me a drink, I knew it was safe. These are some of the rules that we set up that were very, very helpful.

Casey Arrillaga: That’s great you were able to agree on those guidelines to protect yourselves and each other in recovery. Any other ideas that helped you out?

Arnold: Yeah, one was she had her program. I had mine, so we kept those separate. I didn’t get into her program and she didn’t get into my program. Also, she had her meetings and I had mine where we did not go together, where she could speak freely of anything she wanted to talk about. Then we would have at least one meeting a week where we’d go as a couple. That was neat.

Casey Arrillaga: Yeah, Kira and I go to meetings together pretty regularly. One basic rule is that we can never comment on what the other shared at a meeting.

Arnold: Oh, well that’s given at any meeting. We’re not to comment on anybody’s talk. We can refer to maybe something that was said in a general way, but not specifically.

Casey Arrillaga: Right. I want to highlight that this applies not only during the meeting but also afterwards, no questions like, what exactly did you mean when you said that thing at that meeting?

Arnold: No, no, no. That’s cross talking.

Casey Arrillaga: Otherwise, it takes away the safety of sharing at the meeting. If you can’t allow your loved one to share openly without fear of comments or unsolicited feedback from you afterwards, then you have no business going to meetings together. Tell you what. Let’s take a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors and then we’ll finish the interview.
[Commercial]
Welcome back. Let’s finish that interview with Arnold. Are you the only person in your family tree that has had problems with addiction?

Arnold: No, that’s not the case. My grandma was a periodic, so I know what a periodic is. She would get drunk every three or four months and she’d have a very bad drunk and actually go out of her mind. The next day, she’d recover, and then it would be three to six months before she’d have another drink. My mother was an alcoholic and I believe there were drugs involved, too. I lost her when she was 40 years old to a single automobile accident. She drove off a curb down into a ravine and didn’t survive.

Casey Arrillaga: Do you know if she was under the influence of alcohol or other drugs at the time?

Arnold: I believe so. She was on a road she didn’t normally travel. It looks like she lost control of the car. All the circumstantial evidence is there. I’ve always that that was the case.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m sorry to hear that. Were there any other people who struggled in your generation?

Arnold: There’s my brother, who’s 12 years younger than me. He’s an alcoholic but refuses to get help. None of them get help. I’m the only one in my family that’s in AA, and that’s sad. You can’t force a horse to drink, so to speak, but we can make them quite thirsty. I’ve tried to make my brother thirsty. However, that has not been a successful situation so far. I pray for him. He knows where the help is because he knows I’m in the program. Anyway, that’s the family tree.

Casey Arrillaga: What effect do you think your addiction had on your own children?

Arnold: We have two situations here. One is, our son saw us drinking because I came into the program when he was around – what would I say – about eight years old. I mentioned earlier about stealing time from my family. I particularly felt that I needed to make amends to him. It was about a year after I came into the program that I spoke to this nine-year-old boy and said that I apologized for not being there for him, that my addiction had taken me away from him at times when he needed me. I apologized, and I said, now I’m in the program of recovery and I’m going to all these meetings, so I’m still taking time away from him.
He said something so beautifully. I’ve never forgotten it. He said, “Yes, dad, but the time that we do have today is quality time.” I’ll never forget that. My two daughters were born after I came into the program. What they saw was not the alcoholic drinking. What they saw were the emotional binges that are so aptly talked about in the AA Big Book. These emotional binges were quarrels and that sort of thing. At that point, I was very mature because I solved all those by running away from home. Anyway, they saw that, so I had to make amends to them as things happened. Did it affect them? Yeah, I think it affected them because of the emotional binges.
Families have quarrels, but I think the alcoholic takes a while to grow up, as we speak, and become more mature, more accepting, more forgiving. These are all things we are taught in the program. It just takes us a while to learn them. In spite of all that, my children have turned out beautifully. They’re creative. They have a family. They’re dedicated to their spouses. It’s a beautiful thing to see. As far as I know, none of them have an alcoholic problem. They’ve turned out very well.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m really glad to hear that. Now we talked about what kind of effect your addiction had on your children. What do you think was the effect your recovery had on them?

Arnold: I would say it made them aware that mother and dad were ill. We always talked about it as ill. We weren’t bad becoming good. we were ill becoming well. They were aware of that. They were aware of the meetings. Some of them went to meetings, especially when they were little. My wife would take a little one to the meeting with her. With my son, he was now a teenager. He ended up going to Alateen. In Alateen, I asked him one time, “Has it helped you?” He said, “Oh, yes. I was getting pressure from the other kids to do drugs and drink. It was helpful to go to those meetings and get some support for not doing that.” That was a great help. If there is Alateen in your area, you might want to check it out for your children.

Casey Arrillaga: That’s a great suggestion. If anyone is looking for information about Al-Anon or Alateen, that can be found at Alanon.org. That’s -A-L-A-N-O-N.org. Now Arnold, if you could go back and talk to yourself when you first went into recovery, what would you want to say?

Arnold: Oh, that I should have come into AA when my aunt told my wife that I was an alcoholic. I was not ready. We come into these programs when we’re ready. Sometimes it takes everybody in the family sitting down with the alcoholic and melting away all the alibis to not going and getting help. Also, I would have suggested that you work harder in the early days. I see things today that I didn’t see then. I’m still learning, but I ended up taking 50 years to get where I am today. One doesn’t have to take 50 years to get to a good, solid sobriety. These other addictions dragged on, and I was in denial.
There’s a saying. We’re only as sick as were secrets, and I had secrets. I don’t have secrets today. If I had focused more on practicing these principles in all my affairs, that would have helped. There’s so many other things that the other programs are giving us that it may still have been difficult. I know of people that have overcome their defects by doing step 12.

Casey Arrillaga: For our listeners who aren’t as familiar with the steps, step 12 is the final step, and says, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs, or some would say, in all areas of our lives. As we move towards wrapping up, what would you like to say to family members who are listening to this program?

Arnold: Yes, without help, the family member is reacting to the addict, and therefore, their life is being driven by a sick person. Even though the addict may not be ready, please get to Al-Anon or one of the other anon programs that’s applicable to you because they’re there to take care of you, not your alcoholic. No, they don’t sit there and talk about their alcoholics. They sit there and talk about themselves. They have sponsors, just like AA does. I know my wife’s Al-Anon sponsor was a tremendous help to her. You get very close with your sponsor, just like in AA. Get to as many meetings as you can. Get a sponsor. Work the steps.
You’ll be happier, and in growth, you’ll be ahead of your alcoholic. What happens is, the alcoholic starts realizing how sick he is or she is, and starts to realize maybe they need help. Sometimes this opens the door. I have a wonderful story about this lady, Ruby, which exemplifies Al-Anon. I asked her if she had gone to Al Anon before her husband came into AA. She said, “No.” I said, “Well, how did you cope with his drinking?” She said, “Oh, that was easy. If he fell asleep on the living room floor, I stepped over him.” That’s what we have to do. We have rights. We get strength from each other in Al-Anon. We have responsibilities, we know what those are, and we get strength to carry out those responsibilities.
Until the alcoholic stops drinking, we’re running a house. Then of course after the alcoholic wakes up and is in the program, all we have is a wide-awake alcoholic. Now it is time to adjust to that. There’s a big adjustment in the family after the alcoholic starts going to meetings, starts waking up. Al-Anon is something for before and after.

Casey Arrillaga: Thank you so much for that, and thank you for being with us today. Anything else you want to say to our audience before we close?

Arnold: Yes. Well, I thank you for the opportunity, but let me share my experience, strength, and hope. These addictions, all of them, have helped. It’s not a bad thing to seek help. It’s a very smart thing. I wish you success, and a long life, and sobriety. Thank you.

Casey Arrillaga: Thanks for being with us through another episode of Addiction and the Family. As they say in many recovery meetings, take what you like and leave the rest. Go out and explore the possibilities for recovery in your life. Give your loved ones the space and dignity to make their own choices. If you liked this podcast, please subscribe. It means a lot to us. If you know anyone else who could use what we have to offer, please tell them about Addiction and the Family. If you have comments about this podcast, have a question you’d like answered on the show, want to contribute your voice, or Just want to say hi, you can write to us at addictionandthefamily@gmail.com. We’re also happy to be your friend on Facebook, and we can be found tweeting on twitter.
Kira: Addiction and the Family is produced, written, and engineered by Kira and Casey Arrillaga, with music by Casey.