Emotional Sobriety

Announcer: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, “Episode 16: Emotional Sobriety.”

Casey Arrillaga: How has addiction affected your family?

Female Speaker: It robbed me of my father.

Female Speaker: Addiction's affected my family in absolutely every way.

Male Speaker: It has caused a lot of turmoil.

Female Speaker: It goes back to what I understand is at least three generations.

Female Speaker: It robbed my daughter of her mother. It robbed my mother of her daughter.

Female Speaker: Addiction has made our family quite challenging.

Male Speaker: Addiction has affected my family tremendously.

Male Speaker: It's affected my relationship with my sister where I wouldn't – I'd go for months without talking to her. It's a very difficult thing for everybody involved. It doesn't just affect the one individual. It's a disease that affects the whole family.

Male Speaker: Addiction is spread not only genetically through some of my relatives and I assume ancestors.

Female Speaker: It's generational.

Female Speaker: I think of him every day.

Casey Arrillaga: Welcome to Addiction and the Family, a podcast by and for family members of anyone with an addiction. My name is Casey Arrillaga, and I'm a clinical social worker and addiction counselor at both Windmill Wellness Ranch and InMindOut Emotional Wellness Centers in Texas.

Kira Arrillaga: I’m Kira Arrillaga, addiction counselor intern and recovery coach at Windmill. Casey and I were in our addictions together for over ten years, and have now been in recovery together for almost twice that long.

Casey Arrillaga: I’ve led 100’s of family workshops, but just as important is that Kira and I have lived the experience of being family to addiction as both children and adults.

Kira Arrillaga: Join us as we offer experience, strength, and realistic hope about how you and your family can find recovery together.

In this episode, we will look at the concept of emotional sobriety, how it applies for family members as well as those with addictions, what makes it important, and what you can do to enhance your emotional sobriety. We also feature a great interview with our friend, Theresa, who has decades of recovery and was one of our early role models for emotional sobriety. All this after a quick word from one of our sponsors.

[Commercial]

Casey Arrillaga: Welcome back. Emotional sobriety is a phrase that comes out of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, although the idea may have all the roots under different names.

The first reference I’ve seen that explicitly talks about it is in the AA Book, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, also commonly known as the 12 and 12. The concept of emotional sobriety comes up in the first paragraph on the chapter on step 12 and is described as something that is both a goal and a consequence of active recovery. In this chapter, we hear about a life lived with love, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and service.

Twelve step recovery traces these things to a spiritual awakening, an idea that encapsulates a multitude of experiences. One of my favorite descriptions is the idea that one’s spirit awakens. This feeling of awakening after seeming to be asleep or in a fog is familiar to many people who escape the grip of addiction and also family members who have known the fog of worry about their addicted loved one.

Kira Arrillaga: Even though the term, emotional sobriety, may have come out of 12 step groups, it’s important to say that the underlying idea is not limited to those who join 12 step recovery fellowships. For instance, smart recovery techniques also help people achieve greater emotional balance and live with more love and inner peace. Smart doesn’t focus on a spiritual awakening, but allows that spirituality is a personal choice and offers no opposition to making it part of your recovery. Smart also doesn’t focus as much on service but nonetheless, offers many service opportunities such as becoming a smart recovery facilitator or volunteering to help in other ways.

At the most fundamental level, smart meetings, like those of any other fellowship, offer participants a chance to talk with others who share similar recovery goals and exchange contact information so that members can stay in touch between meetings. Simply showing up at meetings and listening to others share and then actively participating when it’s your turn, are examples of the service of showing others who are recovering that they are not alone. This can make a world of difference to someone else’s recovery while bolstering your own. This sense not only of belonging but also of helping others to make their lives better can lead to greater emotional sobriety.

Casey Arrillaga: Family members can also find emotional sobriety as the result of engaging in a program of recovery, and they can suffer without it. One of the better illustrations of emotional sobriety or its lack was heard from an Al Anon member who talked about going to their emotional liquor cabinet and looking over the various imagined bottles of anger, fear, jealousy, worry, guilt, shame, and frustration. It is not hard to imagine the controlling behavior, nosiness, escapism, and insomnia that would likely result from taking a drink from one or more of those bottles. Conceptualized in this way, people who love someone with an addiction may find it easier to empathize with their loved one who goes back to their addictive substance or behavior, knowing it will only cause problems but wanting the relief it seems to offer. After all, who hasn’t indulged in some of those negative emotions even knowing they will likely get the same negative results.

It is from moving past these temptations and eventually finding serenity through practicing a new way of thinking and thus, a new way of life that both family members and their loved ones in recovery can move toward more and more emotional sobriety. For most people, this will take consistent effort, especially if they hope to do more than just use willpower to avoid negative feelings. This is because human beings can’t just decide not to feel certain feelings. Instead we have to do the underlying work on ourselves, knowing that changed emotional reactions will follow. We will be talking about practical strategies to enhance emotional sobriety later in this episode.

Kira Arrillaga: What makes emotional sobriety so important? As Casey mentioned earlier, many people in long-term recovery see emotional sobriety as the whole point of being in recovery. They may not think this at the beginning of the process. After all, when someone is first starting out, the idea of staying sober for any period of time may seem like the miracle everyone has been waiting for, and it’s hard to imagine asking for anything more.

Many people find, however, that staying sober may not be the answer they thought it would be. It’s a good start, but many problems that were attributed to active addiction may stay in place or even get worse in early recovery and new problems may pop up. Perhaps these issues were overshadowed or suppressed by the addiction. Perhaps they are entirely new problems.

Family members may find that their own issues haven’t vanished just because a loved one got sober. Sleepless nights worrying about whether the loved one would make it home may be replaced by sleepless nights worrying about whether the loved one will relapse. The family member’s underlying or neglected problems may demand attention loudly now that there is no addictive acting out to provide distraction. No matter what, the fact that these issues come to light in early recovery for both the addicted person and their family members shows that everyone’s sights may need to be set on something higher than simple sobriety.

Casey Arrillaga: The good news about that is that the hard work required pays off in some big ways. When emotional sobriety becomes the goal, each individual, and the family as a whole, will see improvements in stability, productivity, happiness, communication, and serenity. People with increasing emotional sobriety are better to be around and are more likely to feel a sense of fulfillment.

In case you fear that focusing on emotional sobriety may take the necessary attention off of sobriety from addiction, let us reassure you that besides making life richer and more worth living, increasing emotional sobriety is also the best way to avoid relapse. This is because just about every relapse I have seen, including those I personally experienced in my early recovery, started with a loss or lack of emotional sobriety. As my emotional balance became more important to me, I had less of the inner turmoil that demanded relief, the kind of relief that addiction falsely promises.

Kara Arrillaga: At the end of this episode, we will talk about ways to increase your emotional sobriety. First, we have a wonderful interview with our friend, Theresa, who has decades of recovery under her belt and the emotional sobriety that comes with all the hard work she has put in.

Casey Arrillaga: A note about the beginning of this interview. Since Theresa and I don’t live near each other anymore, it was great to get a chance to talk, and as I was getting everything set up and started recording, we were discussing a recent trip to see my mom, who is in the later stages of her life and had been going through a health challenge. Theresa’s response to this was so great and illustrated the gifts of emotional sobriety so well that we’re going to start the interview partway into that conversation. Here it is. It wasn’t a joyous trip, but it ended up being a sweet trip. It was good.

Theresa: There’s a thing in coaching that came up when I talked about my parents dying and stuff like that and how while it’s you’re not saying yippy-skippy, you wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world. That while it’s not a happy thing, it’s a resonate experience. It resounds with who you are in a very deep way to help my parents depart. I’m going to do it for each of them. They’re two of the most important things I ever did and ever will do. While it was very difficult, I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m going to use that as a springboard to jump into our interview.

Theresa: All right.

Casey Arrillaga: Because here we’re talking about the experience of walking our parents through, however quickly or slowly, their own passing. I know for myself before I was in recovery, there’s no way I could have done that, at least certainly not in the same way. On this episode, we’re talking about emotional sobriety and what that means. I’ve known you for a long time.

You were really my first model of emotional sobriety. You’re one of the first people I knew in active and I’m going to say rich recovery before I even knew what that meant, long before I got in recovery. When I thought of doing an episode on emotional sobriety, I wasn’t even originally going to do any interviews. I thought this is such a great opportunity to interview Theresa: because you have been a model for me of emotional sobriety. 

Theresa: Wow.

Casey Arrillaga:  I want to ask you, what does that term mean to you?

Theresa: I think in very basic terms, when you’re on the other side and you’re using or indulging in the behavior, you think, if I could just stop this, everything would be okay. In certain ways, that’s true. Physically as soon as I put down the drugs and the alcohol, my body started healing miraculously and all of that, but as we’ve heard many times, the behavior is just a symptom of the underlying disease unless you treat the disease of your ism, whichever one you happen to be talking about.

I’m an alcoholic. I just passed my 33rd year of sobriety. I’m also a debtor. I’ve been in that program now consistently for six years. There’s a point of emotional sobriety that I did not reach until I looked at my [debting]. It’s a lifelong journey. It is the journey that starts when the behavior or substance stops.

If you try to deny that journey in my observation, you’ll either go out, you’ll transfer to another behavior, or I’ve seen some really miserable dry people that died dry. That say, well, if I ever crave it, I’ll go back. I’ll go back to meetings if I ever crave it. I know where to go.

It was good for the first few years. I loved the steps. They saved my life. They don’t realize the cage they’re still in because they didn’t keep going. They didn’t let the program work them over the years and let the program soften their soul and create in them the willing spirit to be of service for one thing. Service is the deal, man.

If you’re wondering what emotional sobriety is and you don’t know how to go about it, you’ve already worked the steps maybe, get into service. Just check in with yourself in a year and see the transformation that’s happened. The boring stuff can really open the door just as much as the dramatic stuff. Go sit in the inner group meeting. Go be the treasurer. Just show up for those home group meetings and help create recovery in your community.

The emotional sobriety, you can get flavors of it just because you’re the one who’s being the example at the program. All of a sudden, you’re the guy in front, or you’re the one who’s counting the money, or you’re the one who went to the meeting. Somebody comes up and asks you a question. You go, blah-blah-blah. You’re the authority. This is how you do that.

Then all of a sudden, you have to live up to the image that you’ve created in your community. It sends you looking for the real thing to replace what your ego is manufactured. When I say you, I mean me just so you know in case there’s any confusion about that.     

Casey Arrillaga: That is beautiful. Were you raised with emotional sobriety?    

Theresa: I think that one of the reasons that I got sober so young and that it stuck is because my father was an instinctual Al-Anon. My father’s brother was the town drunk when he grew up and all his life. He died drunk.

My father learned instinctually how to do Al-Anon boundaries. He raised his family away from his family in New Jersey. He sheltered us from them. We only saw them very briefly as I was growing up because it was dysfunctional on a stick up there. My father wanted to create his own family without that influence and was very successful at that.

We had a good church experience. There was no spiritual trauma, no hell, brimstone, all that. It was just a loving place. We did the holidays, did the singing. That’s where we found music. It was such a great foundation.

 The thing that I had no problem getting was God. What a leg up that I had on a whole lot of people that come in. That’s because my parents gave me a loving God. Neither of them drank. There was no horrible dysfunction going on in my family. Yeah, I’d say as much as people who are unconscious about recovery can create an emotionally sober home, they did. It’s amazing.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m really glad you had that.

Theresa: I never take it for granted, never not once. I got to tell them both how grateful I was. The other thing he did is when I started messing up, he called it the first time I cut school and got drunk. I was 13 or 14 years old. That day, my father said I was an alcoholic.

My mother was like, oh Ralph. Dad, he knew it when he saw it. He never had a doubt. He was just looking at his watch all the way until I hit 28 and finally got sober.

He never harped at me. He never got in my way. He completely let me be the drunk that I was. I’m sure it was very painful for him, but because of that, I think I got sober earlier because there was no tug of war; there was no – all of that.

Casey Arrillaga: It’s funny; so many people might not recognize that as a gift, but I can hear what a gift that was to you. 

Theresa: Oh, man.

Casey Arrillaga: I’m reminded of an Al-Anon joke that I just heard the other day. I’ve got to pass this along. How many Al-Anons does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just detach and let it screw itself.

Theresa: [Laughs] That’s good. That’s what he did. 

Casey Arrillaga: I think that’s especially important to hear on a program that is aimed towards family members because we know a lot of people in recovery from their own addiction listening to our podcast. I’m infinitely grateful for that, but we always want to make sure that the family members can hear important things for themselves. The question I get all the time, what can I do? How can I help my loved one? Really, we’re encouraging people to seek their own emotional sobriety and their own recovery rather than saying, let me go fix the person who’s got the problem.

Theresa: Absolutely, I couldn’t agree more. It’s Al-Anon 101, but it’s the absolute hardest thing for anyone to do, especially if it’s your kid. It’s one thing if it’s a sister or brother, but if this is your kid you’re dealing with, like they say, that’s your heart walking around outside of your body. Every instinct tells you to protect.

A good friend of mine’s son recently OD’ed. I’ve known this child since he was born. I’ve known his mother since I was in kindergarten. They did and didn’t to varying degrees. Then finally, they threw up their hands.

The kid was living with them when he died. They have a sense of peace around it because they tried trying and they tried not trying. He was either going to get it or he wasn’t. The hardest thing anybody’s ever handed in this life is you have to let them go even if that means they’re going to go ultimately. I came very close to going ultimately several times before I finally got sober. I didn’t have somebody chasing me around, wringing their hands. I mean, I’m sure they were worried but they let me have my journey and I got in by the grace of God because most of us don’t.

Casey Arrillaga: That brings something to mind. A lot of people will come on a show and they’ll give their drunk log or their story of all the stuff they went through to get to recovery. Would you mind telling your story of how your emotional sobriety developed? Start with you getting into recovery and where did it go from there.

Theresa: Okay, yeah. That’s good. I got sober on a geographic. At this time, I was pursuing acting and I lived in New York City. I stopped drinking but I didn’t stop smoking pot and I knew there was no way that I could be sober in New York City. I just knew it. I came out to Los Angeles where I had relatives and got sober. I was also immediately placed into the room with really highly successful people in the entertainment industry. I was so newly sober and I was not ready and it completely freaked me out. I had to withdraw from everything except sobriety. I waited tables and went to meetings and waited tables and went to meetings and waited tables and went to meetings. I went to four to six meetings a week. This is where I met everybody I knew in Los Angeles the first five years I was there.

I will say that the terror of just being alive started to subside from being in the meetings and working the steps and having my sponsor because I really think that’s what we’re talking about when we talk about emotional sobriety is where are you with your existential terror. Fear is the corrosive threat that goes through everything and if you don’t have a design that can root that out and turn that over, then it just keeps corroding. As I was able to deal with my fears and to deal with my ambition for this movie star thing that was rooted in ego and not in artistry, the artist in me began to emerge.

That’s about the time you met me. You met me at about five years sober. The five years leading up to around that period of time, I had been just really floundering. Finding my artistic voice gave me an outlet and a steam that I had not had prior to that. Also, just plain old new age affirmations of trying to root out negative and change it into positive and being vigilant about that. I remember I was visiting New York City, which was like the scene of the crime, and I remember every single step, a negative thought would come in and I’d turn it around and turn it to a positive and then the next one would come and I remember walking for blocks in New York. It was like doing a fourth step there walking down these blocks of New York City because I was just assaulted with this horribly low opinion of myself and it gave me the opportunity to right then and there with the awareness that I’d gotten from working the steps turn that into something positive.

We have a saying in the little group I’m part of now where sometimes it feels like only 10% of your brain is not negative. I tell them you’ve got to blow on that like an ember. Make that 10%, swell it to 11%. Do everything you can. Accept yourself as the loving child of God that you are to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. Do everything you can. Leave no stone unturned to learn to love yourself. Do not accept the fact that you are unlovable. It is not, not, not true. Accept that with your intellect and keep doing the work until you can live it and be it.

Casey Arrillaga: That’s really beautiful.

Theresa: Thank you.

Casey Arrillaga: That’s five years sober. If we check in as your recovery journey progresses, where do you see your emotional sobriety progress?

Theresa: I got sober enough to have relationships and then the suicidal tendencies turned into homicidal tendencies very quickly.

Casey Arrillaga: Like they do.

Theresa: That old adage, you attract where you’re at, I attracted exactly where I was at and it wasn’t pretty. I was involved with some very fine people but we were toxic together. That was just a new platform on which to live these steps. It’s easy to live them in a vacuum. I had it down with friendships, with work, and all that, and then it’s like there’s somebody on a couch next to me day in and day out, that’s a real challenge. I used to think I wanted that partner so bad, but you know what? I never wanted anybody seeing me that up close. I used to pretend I did. I used to have a lot of drama about not having it, having it, blah, blah, blah, but once somebody is sitting there and they’re there, it brought my work to a whole new level. It was really rough going there for a few years. Then I settled with somebody who was functional, who loved me, who heard me, and we grew together. Then that didn’t work. That was 16 years. That’s a successful relationship.

Casey Arrillaga: What in your emotional sobriety growth do you think made that possible?

Theresa: Letting go of the picture of what I thought a partnership should be and embracing the person God brought me. I will tell you a very, very clear, clear story about this. I went through a series of painful relationships until at one point I attracted a wholly inappropriate partner and broke up with this person. I was on my knees praying to God and crying. I said, “You know what? I will put this completely in your hands. What I have learned from you,” I was talking to God, “is what a no feels like.” I know what a yes feels like. I know what a no feels like. I know what a maybe later, I’ll decide feels like. I almost always when I look back in my romantic relationship track record, I was always saying yes when my soul was screaming no. I made a deal with God that I will always honor that no, or the yes, but I will walk slowly through these connections and I will check in with you from the first kiss to the first intimacy to the first move in. I will check in with you all along the way and you just send me who you want me to deal with.

God had a great sense of humor because God let me do all kinds of fun stuff. I got to send the really, really hot musician packing because, as much as I thought I wanted to have a tumble with him, there was a no there. Then I got to have a fun little one-night stand with an old friend. God said, “Go ahead.” He went away and it was great. Then when God gave me a woman and I was like, “But I don’t want to,” and God just went and I kept waiting for the no and it was so yes and it turned out that’s where I needed to be. That instinct, that yes and that no, you get that from the steps. You start to trust the pieces of you that is God to guide you.

Casey Arrillaga: I hear where you also made a deal with yourself that you would listen to that.

Theresa: That I’d listen.

Casey Arrillaga: That to me sounds like emotional sobriety.

Theresa: I’d love to say it’s because I’m so evolved. I was in so much emotional pain. There was no way I could do it anymore. I will not say everything worked out from then but I had very little pain with relationships up until the time my first marriage broke up.

Casey Arrillaga: Can you talk about how your emotional sobriety accelerated as you joined a program around compulsive debting and then how it’s impacted your current marriage?

Theresa: When I got out of the first marriage, I thought maybe I’m just going to date men again because maybe I didn’t give that gender a fair shake. Believe me, I gave the gender a fair shot, I really did. I had the thought maybe now that I have some emotional sobriety that I could date some guys. God, again, sent me this marvelous woman who I’m married to today, Laura, it was such a clear yes that it was almost I love you from go.

Her sister was one of my best friends and her sister died. I was coming in and out while she was sick helping take care of her. I was there when she died, as was Laura, my wife, obviously. Through our grief, we fell in love. The way that the subject of emotional sobriety plays into that is that I was able to know that the way to deal with my grief was to be of service. I was of service to Laura and her family and to Sarah before she passed. This isn’t a time really for flirting or games or I don’t know, am I going to go out, it wasn’t. I could not mess with this person at all. If I had a feeling, I had to be honest. I could not take the chance of being cavalier. I was checking that yes every step of the way and God was there and God was like, “Door’s open.” That door continued to be open for me to leave California and come home, buy a house. At a certain point after I made the decision, it would have been harder to stay in Los Angeles. I came here and started a new life. I was able to craft the boundaries and the requests and the language in my new relationship that honored me, honored us, honored our connection.

The way the debting comes into play is when I moved here, I had pretty hefty savings and I went into a blackout and ran up a bunch of debt. When I look back on that time, I can tell you some things that I did, but I can’t really tell you how it all happened. I went into DA for the fourth time and this time it was sticking. I tried to go in before I left Los Angeles because I had all this money from inheritance and from my settlement and I’m like I don’t know how to deal with this money. I have a disease around this. I need to go sit in some rooms. Because I had the money and I didn’t have the debt, I couldn’t hear the message. I had to lose it all.

There was one meeting in Louisville, Kentucky, on Sunday nights at 6:30. I knew when it was before I moved here and it took me three years to get there. In that one meeting, they pass around a little book with their phone numbers in it. I put my number in it. The next day when I called someone, she answered, “Hello, Theresa:,” because she had already put my number in her phone. That was my sponsor that I got within 24 hours of going to my first meeting in Louisville. I have not left the group since. I’m out of debt. I’m thriving in my career.

Casey Arrillaga: What did that do for your emotional sobriety?

Theresa: I had to look at some of the things I thought I knew about myself were not necessarily true. I desperately, when I was younger, wanted to be an actor and wanted to be a successful writer in Hollywood. When I left all that behind, I said it was because of this or that, I mean, whatever rationalization I was giving that day, but it was all just horrible fear, paralyzing, gut wrenching fear, terror. When I look back on who that young woman was, I cry for her. I wish there had been somebody there that could have seen that and helped, but I was so busy trying to pretend like I knew what I didn’t have any reason to know.

I have to mention as well, I recently got diagnosed with ADD. It’s something I want to put this in because, if anybody is listening that suspects they may have it, I knew from around 40 that I had it but I was afraid that the only thing to do was to give me stimulants and I knew that I loved stimulants and that it would not be a good fit for me. If you have that thought, if one of the jokes in your life is, “Oh, it must be my ADD,” and inside it’s really, really painful because ADD is painful. There’s a gap between who you know you can be and who you have the ability to be. In that gap is so much pain. If that is what you’re saying to yourself, you’re a sober person and you’re afraid they’re going to overmedicate you or something, there is so much more to do around ADD besides medication.

So much of it is knowing how your brain works and doesn’t work, knowing that you are not neurotypical. It is a neurological disorder, not a psychiatric disfunction, which when I found that out, gave me the relieve of shame akin to finding out alcoholism is a disease. It’s something I am. It’s something I have. It’s something that there is a solution to. The nonmedical treatment for ADD is very similar to the 12-step model. It’s support. There’s some self-knowledge going on in it because once you know the physiological deal, you’ve got techniques for your brain to work optimally. While it might feel like that’s off topic, it is intrinsic to my recovery and the 20-year span that I had between pretty much knowing that I had ADD and actually getting help were a very painful 20 years. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do what I knew I could do and I was doing so much great stuff that the people around me went, “What’s your problem?” but the great stuff I was doing didn’t add up to honoring what I knew I could do. When I did the lineage of my pain, it all had ADD on it, all of it.

Casey Arrillaga: Having gone through the recovery journey and the emotional sobriety that you’ve learned along the way, what would you want to say to young Theresa: at 28 just getting sober?

Theresa: Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are so much more than you believe that you are, and if you stay on this path and with diligence and thoroughness, that the gifts of who you are will come to you. Just letting everybody love you until you can love yourself. Just let them. Just let them love you.

Casey Arrillaga: That’s a gift. The final thing I’ll ask, since this is a program aimed for family members of people with addiction, what would you want to say to them about emotional sobriety before we close up?

Theresa: Along the same lines. Be gentle with your expectations of your family member who is newly sober and know that there is a lot of calibration adjusting a lot of new ground. Support them without judgment. Keep firm boundaries. For yourself, get into a program. Work these steps yourself because the disease is in your house, it’s in you. Nobody goes untouched. Al Anon, CoDA, talk to somebody and you’ll find something you identify with, I guarantee it. There’s a room for you. You’ll be happier if you find it.

Casey Arrillaga: Theresa:, thank you so much. This was a joy just to hang out with you as an old friend and to be able to have you on our show and to be able to just live that wisdom.

Theresa: Thanks so much, Casey. I’m really honored that you invited me.

Kira Arrillaga: It’s so good to hear Theresa:’s experience, strength, and hope. Tell you what. Let’s take a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors and then we’ll talk about how you can get more emotional sobriety in your life.

[Commercial]

Casey Arrillaga: Welcome back. It’s finally time to talk about how you can gain greater emotional sobriety. First off, it’s best to understand that this is more of a journey than a destination and it is a practice which is to say that it takes regular effort rather than one big push and that results come over time. With that in mind, let’s look at a few of the paths you can take on your journey. You can use as many or as few of these ideas as you like, but trying them all at once is likely to overwhelm you and proved to be unsustainable. Instead, pick one, and start adding it into your life then add another as you feel able then another and so on until you find a mix that works for you.

Kira Arrillaga: One of the biggest components for many people is to join a recovery fellowship. Research shows that having this source of mutual support more than doubles the chances of achieving sustained sobriety from addictive acting out and it seems to be one of the most powerful routes to emotional sobriety. Such recovery fellowships for people with addiction include Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and other 12-step groups that end in anonymous. Those aren’t the only games in town though. SMART Recovery is a popular alternative along with LifeRing Secular Sobriety, Women for Sobriety, and Celebrate Recovery. For family members, there are many options, too, such as Al Anon, Nar Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Families Anonymous, SMART Recovery family and friends, Celebrate Recovery, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. The National Association for Mental Illness, or NAMI, has mutual support groups for both people with mental illness and people who love them.

Casey Arrillaga: All of these recovery fellowships have not only meetings but also personal exploration work that they suggest members do, such as writing and sharing from the SMART Recovery workbooks or going through the 12 steps with a sponsor. These activities will increase emotional sobriety whether or not they ever mention that term. 12-step members find that the personal and individualized spirituality that these programs encourage is a key to emotional sobriety. Apart from the fellowships, other emotional sobriety boosters include meditation and mindfulness practices, keeping a gratitude journal, getting regular exercise, reading uplifting or spiritual literature, seeing a therapist, using the stress tolerance techniques, yoga, diaphragmatic breathing, and anything else that helps you find greater emotional balance and peace.

Kira Arrillaga: Take what you like from these ideas and start increasing your emotional sobriety today. With that, we conclude another episode of Addiction and the Family.

Casey Arrillaga: Thanks for being with us through another episode of Addiction and the Family. As they say in many recovery meetings, take what you liked and leave the rest. Go out and explore the possibilities for recovery in your life and give your loved ones the space and dignity to make their own choices.

If you liked this podcast, please subscribe. It means a lot to us. If you know anyone else who could use what we have to offer, please tell them about Addiction and the Family. If you have comments about this podcast, have a question you’d like answered on the show or want to contribute your voice or just want to say hi, you can write to us at addictionandthefamily@gmail.com. We’re also happy to be your friend on Facebook or we can be found tweeting on Twitter.