The Illusion of Control

By P. Casey Arrillaga, LCSW, LCDC

Many families struggle with tension and conflict that could be avoided, but they get stuck because they don’t understand an underlying dynamic that is tripping them up: the illusion of control. This post will explore what this is, how it affects families, and what you can do to get out of it.

What Is the Illusion of Control?

The illusion of control is the belief that we can get other people to do, think, or feel what we want. Some people may believe with all their hearts that they can do this, especially if they try hard enough, while others may know deep in their bones that they don’t have any control over others. Most of us fall somewhere in between. We aren’t consciously trying to control the people around us, but we think and act in ways that illustrate that we believe we can. We might say we don’t think this, or we might say that we are highly persuasive. However you rate yourself on this, chances are you sometimes fall into the illusion.

For instance, if you’ve ever thought, “I have to come up with the right words to say here,” or, “I have to be careful in how I approach this person,” then you’ve started to fall into the illusion. This is because both those thoughts are based in the idea that if do the right things, or conversely avoid doing the wrong things, we can get the reaction we want from other people. Some of us aren’t focused on trying to get a certain reaction, but instead we are trying to avoid one. For instance, we might be trying avoid conflict such as the other person getting angry. We may be tempted to do whatever we can to avoid someone else leaving us.

No matter what outcome we want or don’t want, the illusion of control is at play. This is not an either/or proposition. We may try harder in some situations and with some people than others. One way to see how much we are falling under the illusion of control is to notice how attached we are to the outcomes. The more we think things have to go a certain way, the more likely we are to push to make that happen.

Where Does This Illusion Come From?

The illusion of control is perfectly natural. Our brains can be described as “pattern-seeking missiles,” constantly looking for cause and effect, hoping for predictability that will help us survive. Being the social creatures that we are, we quickly notice such patterns when we interact with those around us. For instance, we may conclude very early on that if we smile, we get positive reactions from our caregivers, whereas, if we cry, we get our needs attended to. The more this is reinforced, the stronger we believe in the pattern. It is easy to start thinking that we are making the people around us do what we want. If we don’t get the reaction we desire, we may try harder, smile more brightly, cry louder. If this works, our belief in control is more certain. If it doesn't, we will look for other things we can do to minimize risk and maximize rewards. This can lead to some very dysfunctional beliefs and actions.

While everyone has life experiences that show that our behavior doesn’t always get us what we want, our belief in the illusion of control can be hard to shake. This can be especially true in situations where we feel fear, which inspires an increased desire to gain control so we can feel safe again. It is this impulse that creates the most problems.

How Does This Affect Families?

All families involve some power dynamics. For instance, when children are young, everyone usually agrees that the parents should be in control. Nonetheless, the kids will look for ways to exert influence and find the limits of their personal power. This can be a benign and even cooperative process, especially as kids get older and parents give more control over their lives so they can be functional adults.

However, things can start to do downhill when one or more of the family members has fears that inspire them to try to exert more control. This can turn into a power struggle in which one family member dominates the others, or in which several family members are in constant conflict. When everyone fears the consequences of giving in, they may try harder and harder to get their way, falling further into the delusion that if they just find the right behaviors, everyone will do what they want, and they can feel safe again. This may be a very unconscious impulse, leading to distress about why there is so much conflict, or confusion about why everyone else can’t just see that their way is best.

This can show up in many ways. Let’s look at two examples that may seem to have little in common. See if you can spot what ties them together.

I was recently talking with Windmill’s CEO, Ani, and we discussed a common pattern he’s seen in modern Indian families. He said there is tension between adult children and their parents if the children seem to be in no hurry to get married. The parents start hinting and even pushing. The adult children may ignore or push back. No one is happy about it. What is happening? As we explored this, it became clear that the parents fear that if the children aren’t married, the parents haven’t been successful. The kids likely fear being pushed into marrying for its own sake. They may also fear being controlled by the parents rather than getting to live their own lives. Both may become entrenched in their behaviors, falling further and further into the illusion of control and becoming more frustrated when it doesn’t work.

The other example is one I see all the time in my work with families struggling with addiction and other mental health crises. Both the person in crisis and their family members seem to fear giving up control. The family especially may fear the worst if they don’t get control of their loved one and their life circumstances. They think that if they plead enough, yell enough, are nice enough, are mean enough, exert “tough love” or don’t enforce boundaries at all, then somehow everything will come out the way they want. Meanwhile, the person in the grip of the disease may also be trying everything they can to get their way, fearing change and emotional pain. Sometimes things seem to go in favor of one side or the other, and the illusion of control is deepened. Frustration and fear grow as “nothing seems to work.”

What do these two seemingly-different situations have in common? In both cases, fear is running the show, and it’s not helping in the least.

How Do We Get Out of The Illusion and Into a Healthy Dynamic?

As hard as it can be to swallow, the only way out of the illusion of control is to face the fact that it is an illusion. This means accepting the reality that our loved ones’ behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are not in our control, and thus that their outcomes aren’t either. This may mean coming to grips with our fears of what will happen if we can’t get what we want. Sometimes it helps to admit that we never had control in the first place, so facing the fear is facing reality. One upside of this is that we can find greater peace in the family when we stop trying to control each other. Another is that we can have greater peace in our hearts as we let go of responsibility for that which was never ours.

For those who are open to a spiritual mindset, there are dividends to be reaped by turning those we love over to a higher power or spiritual principles. Some may take comfort in the idea that their family members have a higher power of their own, whether they realize it or not. This lets families feel better about taking a step back.

How Do We Use This Knowledge to Help People?

At Windmill, we know that the illusion of control gets in the way of recovery from addiction and other mental health problems. That’s why we work with clients and their families to let go of this illusion and deal with the reality of the situation. We have a robust family program that includes weekly family workshops and SMART Recovery Family & Friends meetings that help people to see how the illusion of control may be impacting their family situation, and we give them tools to not only let it go but also find out what they can do instead. We also work intensively with our clients to recognize where they may have tried to exert control over things in destructive ways, and then we help them move into more realistic balance that supports recovery instead of undermining it.

The Bottom Line

The illusion of control can be a challenging concept to grasp and even harder to release. However, acknowledging its presence and working towards healthier dynamics can bring peace and improve relationships. By letting go of the need to control others, we open the door to genuine connection and understanding, fostering a supportive and loving environment.

About The Author

P. Casey Arrillaga is the Team Leader for Education at Windmill Wellness Ranch, and he is the author of books including “Realistic Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions”.