By P. Casey Arrillaga, LCSW, LCDC
Making amends is an important part of many people’s recovery from addiction yet is a particularly difficult step in the process for many. That’s why we’re diving into this topic, so that both those who are seeking recovery from addiction and those who love them can get a better look at what “making amends” really means, what is involved, and what makes it such a big deal.
What Does it Mean to Make Amends and How is it Done?
While there are variations in the definition of making amends, the common thread throughout them is that to make amends is to try to make right something you have made wrong. In many cases, this will require going far beyond giving an apology, although that may be important. The first part of an amends is to acknowledge the wrong that has been done. This may sound obvious, but it can be human nature to deflect and rationalize rather than claim responsibility, and this is true nowhere more than for someone in the grip of addition. Those who are driven by compulsive behavior tend to rationalize their behavior to themselves and others, so honest accountability is usually in short supply. This can happen because the person with the addiction tells themselves that they are in fact not responsible for the harms going on around them, or then may be feeling terrible shame that makes it hard to own up to what they have done. Either way, those around them, especially family, may get tired of hearing the person with the addiction justify actions that clearly have no good justification. Thus, taking accountability is an important start to the process, but there is clearly more to be done.
Once wrongs have been admitted, it’s time to get busy making things right. This balancing of the scales is something that may involve apology, but most often is built on action. This can take many forms. Some balancing actions are more obvious than others, such as replacing something that was stolen or broken, or repayment of money that was borrowed or taken. Other times, it may take more subtle forms, such as volunteering time for an organization that helps people similar to those who were hurt. For instance, if someone wants to make amends to all the people they bullied but doesn’t have any way to find them, can’t remember all their names, or perhaps feels it would do further harm to contact those people directly, they may volunteer time in a group that helps kids who have been bullied. An important part of any amends is to make sure the behaviors that caused harm have all been stopped. For example, it will not be an effective amends to apologize to someone for saying hurtful things and then turn around and say similar things shortly after. Instead, every effort should be made to change the behavior. Some people call this “making a living amends.” This could involve showing up more for the family when they have been neglected due to an addiction, or becoming an honest and kind person as a living amends for all the times of being dishonest and unkind.
It can be tempting for a person to make amends before they are ready to do so or the person who was harmed is ready to accept those amends, or conversely it may be tempting to rationalize away the need to make amends at all in some tricky situations. Thus, it is often advisable to consult with someone experienced in this area before launching the attempt. For instance, many people in Twelve Step recovery talk with their sponsor, who has usually been through the process themselves, before making any significant amends.
What Makes Amends Important in Recovery?
While there is no research showing that the amends process is vital to recovery, millions of people have made it a central step. This is largely because Steps Eight and Nine of the Twelve Steps concern themselves with making right any wrongs that have been done, and not only those caused by addiction. The literature of Twelve Step recovery implies that trying to fudge this part of the process can lead to relapse, but it is not completely clear about why. What it does say is that making amends is part of a spiritual life, and Twelve Step recovery makes spirituality the basis of recovery from addiction.
Other reasons to make amends include the healing of moral injury and reduction of shame. Moral injury is the trauma a person causes themselves by doing something against their own values. It has been called a “wound to the soul.” This often happens around addiction, both for the person with addiction and those who love them. Self-forgiveness for moral injury is important for overall healing, and making amends can make self-forgiveness much easier. It can concurrently help reduce shame, because when we go against our values, shame is often the result. There is debate about how much shame reduction prevents relapse, but no researcher suggests that healing shame is a bad idea.
The Bottom Line
Making amends may not be absolutely necessary in order to stay out of active addiction, but it can certainly be helpful. It is also one of the requirements to complete the Twelve Steps, which is the recovery method that has worked for more people than any other. For these reasons, it is a part of the recovery process that comes highly recommended, whether you are the person with the addiction or someone who loves them.
About The Author
P. Casey Arrillaga is the Team Leader for Education at Windmill Wellness Ranch, and he is the author of books including “Realistic Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions”. His books, podcast, videos, etc. can be found at CaseyAuthor.com
Created specifically for those who have loved ones that struggle with addiction.