For someone struggling with drug or alcohol addiction, deciding to seek help can be intimidating. Even if they know the benefit that help can have on their life, someone can still be understandably afraid of what the process may look like.
12-step meetings are one of the most widely recognized forms of recovery support in the world. Support groups, especially 12-step fellowship meetings, are a popular first step toward seeking sobriety. These group meetings operate under the Twelve Traditions and provide a structured, welcoming space for healing. Such groups can be powerful support systems for those who are working to live a sober life. However, entering into such a meeting—not knowing what to expect—can be intimidating. It can be a scary thing walking into a room of strangers to discuss something personal like alcoholism. How are you to know what to say, or how the meeting format is supposed to look?
Luckily, A.A. meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous) and similar programs have been long-running and have established a clear discussion format. These programs have also developed proper meeting etiquette for how to conduct yourself during a session. Knowing the rules of AA, the format, and the suggested etiquette can help you become more comfortable walking in and joining a 12-step meeting group.
Let’s look at AA meeting etiquette and expectations.
Arrive Early, Stay Late
Arriving early to anything is sure to turn heads and give others a positive view of you. Arriving early to a 12-step meeting such as AA is especially important as it allows you to break the ice with those in the room. It gives you the opportunity to get to know those around you, alleviating many of the nerves that you may have during your first meeting. Getting to know group members helps build fellowship, which is the foundation of recovery in many A.A. group meetings. The same can also be said for staying after a meeting, which can give you even more time to connect.
Avoid “Crosstalk”
An integral part of 12-step program meetings is everyone in the group being involved throughout the discussion. It is best to remember to address the individual group as a whole when talking rather than just one person. This allows all attendees to benefit from what you have to say. Avoiding cross talk in AA promotes effective communication and keeps the meeting structured. Crosstalk refers to interrupting or commenting directly on another’s share, which is considered a breach of AA rules.
Use “I…” Statements when Speaking
It is considered proper etiquette within most 12-step meetings to share your personal experiences through using “I” statements instead of 2nd or 3rd person statements such as “you” and “they”. This encourages open communication and prevents attendees from feeling judged or lectured. It also allows the focus to remain on your own recovery and growth, in alignment with the Twelve Traditions.
Limit Side Conversations
It is important to limit or avoid side conversations during a meeting. Sharing can be an intimidating and scary experience for many people, especially if it is one of your beginners meetings. Having side conversations while someone is sharing can be disrespectful, distracting, and even harmful due to the gravity of material often shared during a 12-step fellowship meeting. Practicing silence during shares is a key part of meeting etiquette.
Avoid “Double Dipping”
In the majority of 12-step meetings, it is recommended that you limit yourself to speaking only once during a session. Doing so gives everyone who wants to share the opportunity to speak. This rule applies to all types of meetings, including topic meetings, open meetings, and closed meetings. It’s courteous to only speak again if time allows and all other group members have had a turn.
Be Aware of How Long You Talk
Another important part of sharing in a 12-step meeting is speaking for only 3–4 minutes. Doing so will allow everyone to have the same opportunity to talk during the discussion. If you are afraid that you will lose track of time, many meetings have a timekeeper. This is especially true in speaker meetings, where structure is key to a respectful environment.
Avoid Being on Your Phone
Plan to silence or turn off your phone before entering a meeting. Additionally, try to avoid answering a phone call during the meeting unless an emergency arises. Doing so is respectful to both those around you and yourself. Avoiding using your phone can allow you to focus during a meeting and be an active participant. Using your phone during a meeting only serves to distract and can impact how effective your time in a 12-step program is.
Try to Avoid Leaving and Re-entering Meeting
While it is hard to ignore the urge to use the bathroom, it is important to try to avoid leaving during a meeting if possible. Leaving and re-entering during a meeting can be both disruptive to those around you and can keep you from being fully engaged with the meeting. However, it is true that when the bathroom calls, you can’t avoid it. If you need to leave a meeting for any reason, try to be as quiet and unnoticeable as possible. Additionally, out of respect for those speaking, try to leave in between people sharing.
Respect the Anonymity of Others
Drug and alcohol addiction can be a deeply personal matter that people may not want outsiders to know about. This is one of the guiding principles of 12-step programs, that protects both participants and the program itself. Always avoid revealing to an outside party that a specific person attends a 12-step meeting with you.
Common Topics for AA Meetings and Formats You May Encounter
There are many types of 12-step meetings, and formats vary by group. Some common topics for AA meetings include gratitude, acceptance, surrender, anger, and self-forgiveness. These are often drawn from the Big Book or Twelve Traditions. You may attend discussion meetings, topic meetings, or speaker meetings, depending on the group.
- Open meetings are open to anyone interested in the program.
- Closed meetings are reserved for those who identify as having a substance use issue.
- Beginners meetings introduce newcomers to basic concepts and AA meeting format.
- Online meetings, conference call meetings, and video meetings are increasingly available for those seeking flexible attendance options.
Each format may vary slightly, but all adhere to the core principles and etiquette of the program.
Feeling intimidated or afraid about attending a meeting for the first time is something nearly everyone in a 12-step program has experienced. As you continue to show up to meetings you will find your comfort level and confidence to increase. If you put the time and effort into these meetings, the 12-step program can be extremely valuable to your recovery journey. It is important to remember that no program is an instant fix-all, recovery takes time.
