You would never expect to meet a woman like Lynne at a rehab facility. For her 50 years, she is in excellent shape, and her healthy looking skin attests to her career in cosmetology. But a look in her eyes reveals that something is wrong.
Both Lynne and her body are exhausted – worn down by the many years (14 to be exact) of alcohol addiction and tired of losing everything because of her drinking. Her disease has progressed to a point where alcohol causes hallucinations, and once she is intoxicated, she needs medical help to stop. When she’s drunk her life halts – she can only stay in bed and is not able to function at all.
But what affects her most is the broken relationship with her children – a boy (19) and a girl (16) who refuse to be alone with their mother because they lost the ability to trust her. "...They’ll talk to me, but nobody wants me to live with them – because when I drink, I am a completely different person." She has considered committing suicide but refuses to cause any more hurt to her children.
"I have always tried to be sober for them, but I have never tried to be sober for myself."
This is the sad story of a mother in which the children play an unfortunate but decisive role.
It all started with a welcomed pregnancy. Like many couples, Lynne and her now ex-husband believed that children would bring happiness and fulfillment to their lives – but for Lynne, being a stay-at-home mother turned into an ordeal that would change her life forever. At home with two babies, Lynne became overwhelmed by a loneliness that she had never known before. She missed adult interaction and saw no purpose in her life anymore.
"…I didn’t shower for days; I didn’t get dressed. I lost myself…But that was the only thing I could do during the day…I just started drinking and once I started I couldn’t stop…I’d hide bottles and bottles from my husband everywhere…I wasn’t happy, I was just a shell…and that’s why I felt so guilty as a mother with those two beautiful children..I wanted everybody to think that we were the perfect family. On the outside we were, but I was dying on the inside."
Lynne drank to forget. Alcohol was a way for her to turn off the sadness. When she passed out, her problems were gone. When she woke up, she immediately wanted to drink, and she caught herself planning her whole life around alcohol. She wouldn’t go to events where no alcohol was served and made sure that there was always an opportunity to drink on trips. When she realized that her drinking was out of control, she was embarrassed more than anything. She didn't want to be judged and adopted a second identity in which her kids were college-aged for 10 years. It got so bad that she started forgetting whom she had told what version of the story.
In 2003, Lynne attended a rehab facility for the first time. She stayed sober for 2 years.
"I wasn’t working the program, I wasn’t working the 12 steps, and I had no connection with God…In between my drinking I had stints of sobriety where I get my life together just enough to fuck it up the next time I drink...It’s almost like I feel undeserving of all the good things happening, so I sabotage myself."
After accepting that she needed help again, Lynne grapples daily with the guilt and shame she has to face. Every time she sees her children, she feels guilty for all the moments she missed. "I can’t handle hearing how great their life is – because I missed out on it." Lynne is working hard on being able to forgive herself, and she now knows that she is not the only mother that felt that way. Windmill Wellness Ranch has made her realize that she doesn’t drink because she likes alcohol. She drinks because she is broken inside and she is determined to fix that. Even when she’s not drinking, she can obsess about other things like shopping, exercise or men. She feels a need to fill that void inside of her.
At Windmill Wellness Ranch, Lynne has hope for the first time, and she is not “kicking herself” for everything she lost. Instead, she’s working on mending the relationship with her children and her family. She can see herself happy and sober. She now knows that it’s possible to have “everything and even more.” The fact that many staff members at Windmill Wellness Ranch are in recovery themselves shows Lynne that it’s never too late for miracles to happen.
“Their counseling is amazing. It’s more personal, and they actually take time to know you individually…You are a person, you are not just somebody in treatment…They actually care about the future for you and the steps you’re gonna take when you get out of here...They are willing to help you in any way they can.”
Lynne learned in relapse prevention what to do when she wants to drink and feels well prepared with the knowledge she needs when she leaves the ranch.
“Even after people leave [WWR] they still care. I know anybody that leaves knows that they can call anytime and that anyone working here would pick up the phone if they were having a bad day and take the time to walk them through it. I have no doubt about that because it’s genuine. There is hope and you don’t have to go through this alone.”
Windmill Wellness Ranch treats the disease of addiction on multiple levels. Instead of just treating the symptoms of the disease, they also make sure to address underlying and co-existing disorders.
This is exactly what Lynne meant when she said: "This is a wellness center – you find yourself…You can focus solely on yourself…It’s just a very serene and beautiful place, and the people are wonderful."
Created specifically for those who have loved ones that struggle with addiction.